Redemptive Steps

Maybe if we knew each other . . .

2011-02-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

Sometime ago, a young teen, I will call Eric, broke into an old truck parked beside the truck owner’s home. Eric pried the lock of the passenger door and managed to open it. His intent was to steal the stereo. However, someone saw him and called the city police. As the police came into Eric’s sight, he tried to run from them. But the police caught him.

Eric was placed on probation and the case was turned over to me to serve as a VORP mediator. I facilitated a victim-offender mediation between Eric, his father and the owners of the truck, an older couple.

I’ll call the couple, Frank and Marge. Marge’s elderly father also lived in the home. Frank worked full-time and Marge was self-employed on a part-time basis.

The mediation went well until Eric tried to minimize the damages to the truck. “It was only a seven dollar lock,” he said. Taking that moment, I decided to account for all the damages. I questioned Frank and Marge about how Eric’s offense affected them in terms of hard dollars (out-of-pocket expenses and losses) and soft dollars (other non-direct costs and losses):

“It may have been a $7.00 lock but there was body damage also. We had to take the truck to a body shop and it cost us $250 to have the lock replaced and the body damage repaired,” Marge explained.

Marge also said, “When I had to go to the courthouse to file paperwork, I had to cancel all my appointments. I lost a $100 of income.”

Marge continued, “Plus, I could not leave my 95 year old father alone when I went to the courthouse, so I had to hire a caregiver at $100 for the day.”

Frank added, “With all the police and insurance paperwork, body shop estimates, and running around, I had to take a vacation day time just to handle all the details.” ($250 cost)

Marge said, “We have had other things happen around here; things taken or broken. We began to think that we were singled-out in the neighborhood. We don’t feel safe.”

Frank and Marge went on to tell about all the work, stress, fear, and hassles they had to endure. Soon, the $7.00 lock turned into nearly a thousand dollars. I looked at the seventeen year old and he started to cry. “I had no idea,” Eric said.

Once we talked about the offense and all the hurt that Eric caused, I moved the mediation to a discussion about how to make things as right as possible. Eric was quick to apologize but he did not have the money to pay for all the damages.

This is the point in a mediation where typically restitution and grace start to come together. This is where an amazing expression of grace took place in this mediation.

Frank and Marge offered for Eric to work-off the damages. They asked Eric if he could come over to their house and do yard work, minor repairs, and wash their cars.

Amazing, the victims invited their offender into their private space and to be around their things. This situation started because Eric violated their private space and tried to steal their things!

Eric humbly accepted their offer. We then moved to the last part of the mediation. We talked about the future and how it would look for Eric, Eric’s father, Frank and Marge. Eric promised that this would never happen again and that he had learned his lesson.

Frank and Marge were pleased with Eric’s promises. But then Frank offered something that is rarely offered to an offender; another amazing expression of grace. “Eric, why don’t you and your folks come over to our place for a barbeque? Maybe if we knew each other, these things wouldn’t happen.”

Amazing.

Got Conflict? Got Salt? Got Peace?

2010-09-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness,
how can you make it salty again?
Have salt in yourselves,
and be at peace with each other." - Jesus

It is interesting that salt and peace are linked in this teaching. Salt is a mineral that is useful as it not only preserves food but it also enhances the flavor of food. Looking at the salt metaphor and relating it to constructive relationships, Dr. Tim Geddert writes, “This saying is a call to be genuine, the real thing, the kind of disciple that preserves and enhances the community.”

The twelfth chapter of Paul’s letter to the Roman followers of Jesus is one of those classic passages of scripture that speaks into our everyday relational lives. The teachings that strike me the most in this passage are Paul’s reflections of life in a redemptive faith community. While he writes about how to live with each other and the connectedness of community, he also places a responsibility on each and every member of the community when he writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” We may see in this verse a loop-hole and declare,

“It is not possible! Peace is not possible because the other person is evil, won’t cooperate, and only wants to argue and win. They are out to control me and to destroy me!”

But notice the possibility of peace does not hinge on the other person; it depends on you and me and our willingness to be at peace with one another.

So, what needs to happen when the other parties just won’t cooperate? Are there resources available? How do you know you are doing everything possible to live at peace with this other person?

Besides my work as a mediator addressing interpersonal conflict and facilitating reconciliation for two or more people, I am increasingly called on to work with just one person and to help them constructively deal with the conflict they are experiencing. This is called Conflict Coaching (CC). CC is a process in which the individual and I communicate one-on-one for the purpose of

developing the individual’s understanding of the conflict;
determining what they can constructively do about it;
and empowering them with effective relational skills.

CC is available when the other parties won’t engage in a mediation or reject a personal invitation to come together to talk through hurts and/or disagreements.

CC is available for those who want to be the kind of "salty" person that preserves and enhances the possibility of peace, i.e. “salt” for a positive change in a broken relationship.

We got issues!

2010-04-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

.
What exactly are we fighting about? Our ability to clearly state what the issues are will help us to determine a redemptive outcome. Broadcasting a generalized judgment or labeling can bring more confusion, tension, and escalation to the conflict.

If we can determine the kind(s) of conflict we have entered, we will have a better chance to realistically resolve the conflict.

Dr. Ron Claassen brings the following insights to help us define our conflicts.

Ron writes, "As we move down the list, it will likely be more difficult to resolve the conflict constructively. It is not impossible, but will require more planning and perhaps outside help."

Space

Schedule

Methods

Procedures

Personal Preferences

Traditions

Customs

Values

Beliefs

What are we fighting about? Determining the level of conflict on the above continuum will help us to determine a strategy to find resolution.
.

When we talk, are we using a hammer or a saw?

2010-04-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

.
Debate v. Dialogue is like a sledge hammer v. a logging saw.

In a debate, one person uses debate like a sledge hammer against the other person. Then the other person reacts and does the same thing.

In a dialogue, they use dialogue like a two-person logging saw that takes cooperation to work.

Here's a quick contrast between Debate and Dialogue:

The goal is to "win" the argument by affirming one's own views and discrediting other views. v. The goal is to understand different perspectives and learn about other views.

People listen to others to find flaws in their auguments. v. People listen to others to understand how their experiences shape their beliefs.

People critique the experiences of others as distorted and invalid. v. People accept the experiences of others as real and valid.

People appear to be determined not to change their own views on the issue. v. People appear to be somewhat open to expanding their understanding of the issue.

People speak based on assumptions made about others' positions and motivations. v. People speak primarily from their own understanding and experience.

People oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong. v. People work together toward common understanding.

Strong emotions like anger are often used to intimidate the other side. v. Strong emotions like anger and sadness are appropriate when they convey the intensity of an experience or belief.

Excerpt taken from The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects, A Practical, Hands-On Guide, by Lisa Schirch & David Campt., Page 9.

New Path Center’s Guide to Giving & 2009 Annual Report

2010-02-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

Is your contribution to New Path Center tax-deductible?

New Path Center has been recognized exempt by the IRS
under section 501(c) (3) of the Internal Revenue Code since December 2004.

Donors’ contributions are tax deductible as provided in section 170 of the IRS Code. A copy of New Path Center’s IRS Letter of Determination is available upon request.

New Path Center is required to file annually an IRS 990 Form.

New Path Center’s current IRS 990 can be found at http://www.guidestar.org/ or upon request.

Two ways to donate:

1. Make your check payable to New Path Center, Inc., and mail it to:

New Path Center, Inc.
PO Box 874
Kingsburg, California 93631-0874

2. Donate online at http://www.newpathcenter.org/

Do you resonate with the New Path Center’s mission and values?

New Path Center’s mission is to be:

A safe place where individuals and communities discover reasonable, respectful, restorative, and redemptive pathways through conflict.

A place of hope for those who experience loss or other painful life transitions.

A training center for leaders and organizations to acquire a healthy readiness for conflict or the skills to companion the bereaved.

New Path Center envisions:

Communities where the citizens become responsible for positive transformation.

Communities where constructive communication thrives.

Communities that produce leaders with impeccable character.

Communities where all leaders address conflict and brokenness in reasonable, respectful, restorative, and redemptive ways.

Communities where the greater Faith Community works together.

Why does New Path Center exist?

As a community pastoral-counseling resource . . .

New Path Center brings the hope of experiencing peace with loss to those who are deeply bereaved.

As a training center . . .

New Path Center equips individuals, leaders, and organizations
to have a healthy readiness for and response to conflict.

As a mediation center . . .

New Path Center provides options for alternative dispute resolution (ADR) for those who experience some form of conflict. Mediation areas of practice include:

Marital Mediation: Couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

Separated and divorced parents: Individuals and couples who need pre/post-adjudication mediation regarding custody decisions to best meet the needs of their children.

Extended families: Members who have suffered from years of estrangement and separation, and now hope to restore the family ties.

Churches: As cornerstones of our community, churches need to respond to conflict in ways that bring hope, love, and peace to reality, to meet the needs of their members.

Family businesses and farms: The economic forces behind our community, who need to bridge relational gaps caused by conflict, to increase their potential to thrive from generation to generation.

Victims of crime and juvenile offenders: Individuals directed by the courts to reconcile offenses and make restitution, including VORP Mediation and Anger management classes for youth at risk.

Where does New Path Center work?

New Path Center works locally, nationally, and internationally.

Serves as a local mediation, training and counseling center for the greater Kingsburg area for Fresno, Kings and Tulare Counties, in central California.

Travels to other areas within California, and the U.S. to provide mediation, training, and interventions for non-profit organizations.

Provides training in third-world countries on conflict resolution, leadership development, and grief counseling.

To whom is New Path Center responsible?

New Path Center’s Board of Directors is made up of professionals from the Kingsburg community. The list of Directors is available upon request.

How does New Path Center measure its progress and success?

76 Cases in 2009: (63 new / 13 continued)

How is New Path Center funded?

Accomplishments and Initiatives:

Kingsburg Police Department Referral Program
Kingsburg School Referral Program
Discipline That Restores Training Program
Mediation for CalGRIP youth at risk
Anger Management Classes
Kingsburg Care & Service Network
Donation-based services
Professional Mediator Certification

Special Designated Funds:

Scott W. Redfern Memorial Fund: $8,750 (ongoing)
Kiln for Koln Scott W. Redfern 30th Birthday Memorial Project: $2,016 (completed)

Goals and challenges for 2010:

Fund future training overseas
Increase the General Fund
Develop software for Kingsburg Care & Service Network
Design and implement a 10-year leadership succession plan
Promote New Path Center’s uniqueness in Marital Mediation, Alternative Dispute Resolution, and Anger Management

Constructive Confrontation

2010-01-30T14:59:00.000-08:00

Constructive Confrontation (CC) is used to bring people face-to-face with reality and to say a difficult statement in a redemptive way.

• CC helps bring consistency between what a person says and what a person does.

• CC promotes open and direct communication.

• CC helps initiate action plans and behavior changes.

• CC is not lecturing, judging, or acting in some punitive manner.

• CC should not contain an accusation, evaluation, or problem solution.

CC requires self-exploration/preparation on the part of the one who is constructively confronting:

• How do you describe the messages from the other party (i.e. the party who you want to confront)?

• What observations do you have about the other party’s behavior?

• What evidence do you have that supports the messages and behavior?

CC statements often follow this pattern: “you said/but look”
• “You said . . .” repeats a message of the other party.
• “But look . . .” presents the contradiction or discrepancy.

For example:

“I hear you say you want life to be better, yet you have given reasons why you feel life will never be better.”

“You say you want to get back together, but you keep seeing someone else.”

“You say you want to go to college after high school, but you are not doing your homework.

“You say you don’t feel appreciated for what you do, yet you don’t let anyone know this is how you feel.”

“You say you want to get well, but you are not getting help.”

Finish off the statement with, “I’m confused by this, help me understand.” Or “I seem to be lost by what I hear and what I observe, can tell me more about what is happening.” (Of course, do this without sarcasm and be sure to watch your non-verbals.)

Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Counseling Skills Fundamentals, 2001, Center for Loss and Life Transitions

Redemptive Reality-Check and Divorce

2010-01-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

When You Are Thinking of Divorce:

The following is a collection of questions and statements regarding divorce. I offer them as a resource to those who are thinking of divorce. Please consider the depth and impact of your decision. These questions and statements help define a reality-check that may be the basis for redeeming your marriage.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts taken from “Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask” by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, May 2008, http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm?nl=159
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The overall question is, “Are you ready for divorce?”

Why is this question important?

“The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime.”

“Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.”

“If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.”

“For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.”

“To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.”

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

2. Were you ever really married?

NOTE: Professionally, I (Tony Redfern) question the validity of this question because it allows people to re-write their marriage history:
“I never loved him/her in the first place.”
“I was forced into the marriage.”
“I loved him/her, but I was not in love.”
“I don't know why I ever married him/her in the first place.”

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

Good question. “People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.”

5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

“Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.”

“Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.”

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

“Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.”

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

“Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the ‘happy family’ dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage.”

“To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.”

“One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives.”

“To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:

If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

“How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.”

“The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows. You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce

For those who follow a Christian faith-tradition, please consider the following.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Excerpts based on a portion of the chapter entitled, "Church Discipline: God's Tool to Heal and Restore Marriages," written by Ken Sande. This chapter is included in the book Pastoral Leadership for Manhood and Womanhood (edited by Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey, Crossway Publishing, 2003)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Myths of Divorce

"Do not be deceived." (e.g., James 1:16, Gal. 6:7).

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

“Popular divorce mythology:”

Myth #1, “When the love has gone out of a marriage, it's better to get divorced.”

However, “The basis of marriage is not feelings of love--in God's design, commitment is the basis of marriage, and love is the fruit.”

Myth #2, “It's better for the children to go through a divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.”

However, divorcing couples “usually have to admit that it's not the children they are looking out for, but their own selfish desires.”

Myth #3, “God led me to this divorce. I repeatedly hear people say, ‘I know the Bible teaches that divorce usually isn't God's will, but in this case God has given me a real peace that this is right.’”

However, a sense of inner peace is not a conclusive sign of God's approval. Do you think Jesus felt inner peace in the Garden of Gethsemane?

Divorce may promise immediate relief, but in the long run, it too is usually contrary to the will of God.

Myth #4, “Surely a loving God would not want someone to stay in such an unhappy situation.”

However, this myth is based on a humanistic presupposition that God's purpose in life revolves around me and my happiness.

It is crucial to help suffering people understand that God has something far more important in mind for His people than pleasant lives. His purpose is to conform us to the likeness of His Son (Rom. 8:28-29).

Myth #5, “I know it's wrong, but God is forgiving.”

However, Deuteronomy 29:19-21 says, "If you presume that you can sin deliberately and then just say magic words and God will forgive you, how great will His wrath be upon you!" (Sande paraphrase)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Excerpts from BreakPoint. © Prison Fellowship Ministries. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Christians Divorce

How could a man or woman, committed to both their spouse and their Lord, fall in love with another person?

"It seemed so good, so right. That's when we knew we had to get the divorces. We belonged together."

"It was just so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul."

Each are "invoking a higher law: the feeling of goodness and rightness. A feeling so powerful that it swept away whatever guilt they would otherwise have felt" for what they were doing to their families.

When Christian couples marry, they often say, "till death us do part." But what many unconsciously mean is, "till failing love do us part."

In reality, many people love their spouse, not as a person but as someone who evokes certain feelings. Their wedding vow was not so much to the person as to that feeling. So when such people fall in love with someone else, they transfer that vow to the other person. And why not? - "If vows are nothing but feelings?"

These thrilling emotions are called "The Sanction of Eros." This is an appeal to something higher than judgment, higher even than desires.

But "the sacred approval felt could not possibly have come from God, whose disapproval of divorce is explicit in Scripture. It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."

"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right that all betrayals are justified is simply a lie,"

Couples need to know that it is only when Christ is at the heart of their marriage that they will be able to resist this ancient pagan call.

The NPC Marital Mediation Agreement is designed to set a redemptive path.

2010-01-04T14:33:00.000-08:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When working with couples as a Marital Mediator, it has been my experience, to be very explicit upfront about the need to experience forgiveness and agreement to avert a marriage meltdown. Hence, I use the following document as a redemptive tool to frame the mediation dialogue and to set a hopeful path to reconciliation.

GENERAL DESCRIPTION

New Path Center (NPC) offers Marital Mediation to couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

NPC encourages couples having trouble with issues of offenses and/or injustices, control, and power to use mediation to experience forgiveness and reach an agreement addressing these issues, thereby strengthening the marriage. Couples jointly hire an associate of NPC to act as a mediator, not as a lawyer or counselor for either party.

IS MEDIATION THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU?

During a series of meetings, you and your spouse work with the mediator, and on your own time, to identify issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them. This work includes exchanging any and all information pertaining to these issues, and sharing of control, power and responsibility you consider best for the both of you. You are free to consult with a lawyer, financial planner or other advisor at any time. The process is designed to help you strengthen your marriage.

THE REQUIREMENT OF COMMITMENT

Marital mediation works only if you are willing to make a good faith effort to reach forgiveness and agreement with your marriage partner. There is no legal obligation to forgive or agree. Any constructive commitment to mediation, and to make the resulting outcome work, comes voluntarily from you and your spouse. Note: “yes” answers to the following questions determine if mediation is a reasonable resource for your marriage:

Do you want a healthy marriage?

Can we talk about anything & everything?

Will you own your part in the issues?

SOME BENEFITS OF MEDIATION

The processes of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement can change behavior in your relationship. Just identifying the issues you struggle with is itself healthy. Creating personal solutions will give your marriage a greater life expectancy. Learning communication and reconciliation skills will enhance all of your relationships. Your children will thrive in the absence of parental conflict.

THE COST OF MEDIATION

New Path Center does not maintain a set fee schedule for the service of Marital Mediation. These services are provided at the NPC office in Kingsburg, CA. The amounts are only suggestions for your consideration. Please see the attached NPC “Financial Policy, Fees, & Donations” document or visit:
http://www.newpathcenter.org/resources/NPCFinancialPolicy2009.pdf

THE MARITAL MEDIATION AGREEMENT:

We wish to define the terms of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement to help us stay married, as simply and sensibly as possible. We have read the description of Marital Mediation. Each of us agrees to participate fully in this effort to define our future behavior in order to improve our marriage.

We agree to hire ____________________________ as our marital mediator(s).

We realize our mediator shall not represent either or both of us as an attorney at any time in connection with our Marital Agreement. During the mediation we agree to disclose all aspects of our marital issues. Each of us is free to consult our personal advisors at any time.

We agree that all communications in mediation, including all notes, homework, draft contracts and other writings, are completely confidential. Neither of us can seek testimony of the mediator or disclosure of their file in connection with any court proceeding related to this mediation process.

We realize the mediator is in charge of the mediation process and will give each of us equal time as much as possible, whether our sessions are together or separate, and will not take sides other than to help guide us to a reasonable agreement designed to help us stay married. We realize we are not required to mediate any issue or to reach agreement on any issue. We voluntarily enter marital mediation.

(Signature lines and contact information)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Relationship Management: A Pledge to a Totally Positive Approach.

2009-11-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

“I will do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they return my goodwill.”

1. I will balance reason with emotion.

Even if they are acting only emotionally or with indifferent reason, I will balance emotions and reason.

2. I will work at understanding.

Even if they misunderstand me, I will try to understand them.

3. I will work at good communication.

Even if they are not listening, I will listen to them and talk to them on matters that affect them.

4. I will be trustworthy.

Even if they are trying to lie to me or deceive me, I will be trustworthy.

5. I will use persuasion rather than bullying or force.

Even if they are trying to bully me or force me, I will be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

6. I will work at acceptance.

Even if they reject me and my concerns as unworthy of their consideration, I will accept them as worthy of my consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

Adapted by Tony Redfern; Prepared by Ron Claassen; Adapted from Getting Together: Building Relationships that Get to Yes, by Roger Fisher and Scott Brown.

Breaking the ties that keep binding us in conflict . . .

2009-11-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

“Eight Ways to Turn Disagreements into Feuds” By Ron Kraybill

1. “Easily the most potent tool for ensuring a life well-scarred by disputes is to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict.”

2. “If perchance you do get in a situation where you are discussing a conflict with the other party involved, be as vague as possible about the issues.”

3. “The third commandment of conflict maintenance is to assume that you know all the facts of the matter and that they (the facts) clearly indicate you are right.”

4. “An effective variation, particularly useful in those situations where a rather unassertive person is upset with you, is to announce that you will talk with anyone who wishes to discuss problems with you – then let it be known that your responsibility ends there.”

5. “Latch onto whatever evidence you can find – count on it, you’ll always be able to find some – showing that the main problem is the other party is jealous of you.”

6. “Judge the motivation of the other party on the basis of one or two mistakes on their part.”

7. “If all these conflict maintaining mechanisms fail and, despite your best efforts, you find yourself engaging in discussion with your opponent, approach resolution as a strictly win/lose situation.”

8. “Your last line of recourse, if somehow a proposal is brought to you that might resolve the dispute, is to respond that you are not in a position to negotiate.”

“There you have it folks. Master these principles in one dispute, and you will find it easier to get involved in others as well. Those interested in avoiding change and growth in personal relationships should find these principles particularly helpful. A few simmering disputes will in time differentiate bland souls with obvious scars. It’ll make them real characters!”

How to have a redemptive conversation

2009-09-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

Relationship skills and emotional intelligence keep hitting the "must know" list for success. Also, our communities are defined as healthy based on how constructively we can dialogue with each other.

Could it be that our success and the health of our communities, families, marriages, and relationships boil down to how we talk with each other?

Here are the basic communication skills that give the greatest relationship return: Click here

Redeeming Apology: Growing Redemptive Community

2009-07-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

Restoring the Church, Meta•noia Ministries.

Restoring the Church offers you a collection of resources to . . .
reconcile conflict,
equip leaders, and
grow biblical community in your church for the glory of Jesus Christ.

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/index.html

Excellent articles on apology, brokenness, courage, integrity, and justice:

How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. The first in a series of four articles on authentic confession: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/41HowsayImSorry.pdf

The courage to say, “I was wrong.” Part two of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/42CouragetosayImwrong.pdf

Integrity: considering others as the Other would. Part three of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/43IntegrityConfession_000.pdf.pdf

To act justly. The final of four articles on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/44JusticeConfession_000.pdf.pdf

[Restorative] Street Justice

2009-05-31T16:49:00.000-07:00

During the high school lunch break, a freshman decided to kick the backside of the Kingsburg First Baptist's marquee.

Long story short, he was caught, in the act, by the police. The police called the church office and our Youth Minister, Chris Miller walked down to the scene of the crime. A KPD officer called me on my cell and I stopped by the scene. (I mediate with juvenile offenders and their victims in the Kingsburg area.)

There in front of us was a clueless young man standing on the curb with two uniformed officers asking him questions as they jotted down notes. One of the officers asked me if I had any questions for the young man. I just asked the classic victim question, "Why?" To which he answered with the classic offender response, "I don't know." With a little more coaxing, he sheepishly said he had the idea that maybe he could create some new words on the sign by kicking it with his foot and knocking letters off the sign. [Maybe this was a new way to cite "footnotes." :-) Sorry.]

One of the officers implied that the church could press trespassing charges if we wanted. He also said that maybe the youth could do something to right the wrong - like replace the letters on the sign. We talked for a moment and it was mutually agreed that the young man would return after school and fix the sign. Chris Miller told the young man to come to the church office.

That afternoon, the "offender" came to the office just as he promised. Chris and the young man walked down to the sign, replaced the letters, and talked about what happened.

Pastor Chris pointed out the obvious. We are a product of our decisions, think before acting, and everyone has made poor decisions. But he also reminded the youth that he deserved a second chance and that he was not totally defined by this immature act.

The young man broke a law, but he also broke a relationship that needed mending. As a church, we are always looking for ways to give away the church to the community. Faithful church members serve the high-school students lunch. Our basketball court is available to the public - true, we have had to set some boundaries, but it is available. Students use our picnic tables and even the church's front steps as a place to eat lunch. All in all, there is an invitation to students from the church to use church property and all we ask for is respect. This agreement really is an unspoken "social contract" based on trust.

So, this freshman broke a trusting relationship with the church. Graciously, instead of punishing the child, the police and the church decided to give him an opportunity to make it right. This was an act of grace - a step of restorative "street justice" that placed a higher value on restoring the relationship than the law being broken.

This is a modest example of living in redemptive community.

Redemption is Messy

2009-05-19T15:59:00.001-07:00

"Bring us the drug-addicted, bring us the prostitutes, bring us the destitute, bring us the gang leaders, bring us those with AIDS,

bring us the people

nobody else wants,

whom only you can heal,

and let us love them in your name

until they are whole."

http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2009/spring/messycostlydirtyministry.html?start=1

Raising Trees and Children

2009-04-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

"Fathers, do not exasperate [provoke/arouse to wrath] your children; instead, bring them up [nurture] in the training and instruction of the Lord." Eph.6:4

Parenting is nurturing. It is about a steady loving hand that guides and supports.

Sometime ago, I found a lesson about raising children revealed in the process of planting a few young trees in my yard. Needing to properly plant the young trees, I purchased a package of Cinch-Ties; handy rubber straps used to connect a small tree to a large stake next to the tree.

I was intrigued with the advertising on the package of Cinch-Ties. First of all the description of the product: "Cinch-Tie - Strong Support for Young Trees." Strong support . . . I like that notion.

I read on. The "philosophy" under the description read: "Young trees need support, not restraint, in order to grow large trucks and wide canopies. Some wind movement is needed to stimulate caliper and strong root growth. This is why it is important that the tight nursery tape and restraining stick be removed when the tree is ready to plant."

I understand that most metaphors break down in some regard, but the Cinch-Tie left me wondering. Is there a balance in support and restraint in raising children into young adults who eventually gain the capacity to stand on their own? When we find the weak-point in a child how does support look vs. restraint? While support relates well to nurturing, restraint does not necessarily relate to exasperation.

What happens when there was little or no support in the early years and one then tries to straighten the tree when is is nearly full grown? Talk about restraint!

What happens when there is extreme restraint and the tree has no experience of standing on its own? Cinch-tie says it won't be strong without the needed root-maturity due to "some wind movement." The difference between support and restraint seems to be the amount of flexibility needed to keep the young tree growing straight and yet, firmly rooted.

Well, just a few thoughts on exasperation, nurturing, restraint and support in parenting.

Apology - "I'm sorry, so sorry."

2009-04-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

This last week was busy - fourteen mediations, almost three a day; some mediations lasting two hours; and most ended successfully-redemptive. Participants did much heavy lifting, truly making "every effort" to reconcile. Apology, of course, was a huge part of their work. Apology is important - we even have songs about it.

In 1960, Brenda Lee recorded her signature song I'm Sorry, which hit number one on the Billboard pop chart and became her first gold single. Brenda touches on a vibrant theme in conflict resolution. People who experience conflict usually have a basic request when seeking to restore a broken relationship and they often tell me, "All I want is a simple apology." Apology offers a powerful step toward the experience of forgiveness but most of the time expressing apology is not a simple task. While Brenda's song was a big hit, her apology actually comes up short. She sang,

"I'm sorry, so sorry that I was such a fool. I didn't know love could be so cruel. Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh-oh, oh, yes. You tell me mistakes are part of being young but that don't right the wrong that's been done. (I'm sorry) I'm sorry (So sorry) So sorry. Please accept my apology but love is blind and I was to blind to see. Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh-oh, oh, yes."

Brenda does not express what she said or did to offend the other party. Instead, her apology sounds more like an excuse. "I am sorry that I was a fool. I am sorry I didn't know love was so cruel (and, therefore, I am a victim too). I am sorry I am young and make mistakes. I am sorry that love impaired my vision."

Brenda does make one comment that has some merit when singing about youthful mistakes, "but that don't right the wrong that's been done." She is right to recognize that apology is supposed to help right the wrong. While her excuses offer some explanation why she hurt the other person, her attempt at apology does not say what she owned in the conflict. How could Brenda say a meaningful apology?

Here is a link to the New Path Center website that offers some basic "101" elements to making an apology.

Also, recently Metanoia Ministries/Restoring the Church offered the following excellent resource:

How to say, "I'm sorry," and really mean it. The first in a series of four articles on virtue and confession. The reason why most confessions fail is for lack of brokenness. What is brokenness? and why is it essential for authentic confession? Discover how to apologize in a way that honors Christ.

Here is a link to the Restoring the Church website.

The Power and Reality of Forgiveness

2009-02-11T16:15:00.000-08:00

Having a forgiving spirit may be one of the most difficult character traits to live out. When one considers the atrocities humanity has experienced as a result of its own deeds, it may even sound reasonable to say that some injustices cannot be forgiven. But Christians are called to forgive just as God forgives. The following is a real life story of a bereaved mother who tells of how she was able to forgive because of her knowledge of God.

When it comes to being victimized, perhaps there is no greater loss than when a child is murdered. Marietta Jaeger’s seven-year-old daughter, Susie, was abducted while enjoying a family vacation and later murdered by her abductor. Jaeger (1998) writes of this experience in the book, Exploring Forgiveness, edited by Robert Enright and Joanna North. Jaeger’s chapter is entitled, “The Power and Reality of Forgiveness: Forgiving the Murderer of One’s Child.”

Jaeger’s initial response to her loss was rage and the strong desire for revenge, even to the point of wanting to kill the murderer with her own bare hands. Jaeger found another option of how to respond to her loss. She found she could respond to her daughter’s murder through her knowledge of what God is like and what God does. Without knowing the final outcome for Susie, Jaeger waited for months in the balance of uncertainty for Susie’s return or death. As she waited, Jaeger reflected on her moral training and reached for the “highest moral ground.” Jaeger writes, “I surrendered. I made a decision to forgive this person, whoever he was” (p. 11). Her decision was based on her theology. Jaeger writes the following thoughts about God and how her theology impacts her life and character.

I had reminded myself repeatedly . . .

. . . that, however I felt about the kidnapper, in God’s eyes he was just as precious as my little girl. I claim to believe in a God who is crazy about each of us, no matter who we are and what we’ve done, and I had to be unremitting to calling myself to that.

. . . that, even if he wasn’t behaving like one, this man was a son of God, and, as such, just by virtue of his membership in the human family, he had dignity and worth, which meant for me that I had to think and speak of him with respect and not use the derogatory terms that came so easily to mind as I went month after month without knowing where my little girl was.

. . . that, as a Christian, I am called to pray for my enemies, a category for which he certainly qualified. In the beginning, that was the last thing I felt like doing, but as I sought to desire his well-being authentically and sincerely, the easier it became to do so. I realized how important it was that he experience good fortune and affirmation – the love of God – in this life. If he still had Susie, I wanted him to be good to her, and if he didn’t have her, I wanted him to have the courage it would take to come forth and tell what had happened (p. 12).

As Jaeger reflects on her thoughts about God, she translates her theology to character, and then to skills, and finally to praxis. Her theology is evident when she says, “in God’s eyes he [the abductor] was just as precious as my little girl.” As a reflection of her theology, her character becomes visible, “and I had to be unremitting to calling myself to that.”

Her statement, “this man was a son of God, and, as such, just by virtue of his membership in the human family, he had dignity and worth,” evidences another example of Jaeger’s theology. She reflects on the impact of her theology when she writes, “which meant for me that I had to think and speak of him with respect and not use the derogatory terms that came so easily to mind as I went month after month without knowing where my little girl was.”

Notice how she even speaks of the skills that support her character as she reflects on her theology. She thinks and speaks of her daughter’s abductor with respect and not in derogatory terms. She prays for him. “I am called to pray for my enemies, a category for which he certainly qualified.”

She also comments on her new praxis, “In the beginning, that was the last thing I felt like doing [to pray for him], but as I sought to desire his well-being authentically and sincerely, the easier it became to do so.” Her praxis reflects her theology. “I realized how important it was that he experience good fortune and affirmation – the love of God – in this life.”

Jaeger was looking for justice, but not in the form of punishment. She wanted restoration. She wanted something that she saw in her God. Her theology proclaimed a reflection of God as “a God who seeks not to punish, destroy or put us to death, but a God who works unceasingly to help and heal us, rehabilitate and reconcile us, restore us to the richness and fullness of life for which we have been created” (p. 13). She offers a wonderful comment on character and praxis as she reflects on the the very nature of God. “This, now, was the justice I wanted for this man who had taken my little girl” (p. 13). Just as God is a God of justice, so be a people of justice, the kind of justice one would see in God.

At the end of Jaeger’s chapter she writes, “Though I would never have chosen it so, the first person to receive a gift of life from the death of my daughter . . . was me” (p. 14). The gift originates from her theology that empowers her to make forgiveness a part of her character. This character leads her to a praxis that ultimately frees her from the powers of what she calls the “death dealing spirits” of anger, hatred, resentment, bitterness and revenge that can destroy one’s very life (p. 14).

The power and reality of forgiveness, indeed!

Redeeming a Marriage & Family

2009-01-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

Talk about doing the heavy-lifting of processing family burdens and heaving-around a ship engulfed in a relationship storm. I mediated a marriage and family agreement with a couple in crisis. After months of facilitating dialogue regarding hurts, issues, positions, and interests, they came to an excellent working agreement. They, not me, did the work of heavy-lifting but, of course, the real work is in keeping this agreement to keep their marriage and family on course and off the rocks of separation. Even so, the agreement and promises when made and kept give an opportunity for trust to grow.

Here is their agreement, used by permission, in their own words:

“In faith, we ask God to continue to help us as we recognize that our marriage and family have come a long way from what it was at one time. Once we did not handle our offenses and disagreements very well. We separated from each other rather than gathered together. We allowed power and selfishness to drive our responses to each other.”

“We recognize that in the past we wanted to be right – but today, we want to be reconciled with each other. We want to know and experience that everything is okay between us.”

“So, as our hearts turn to God, we say we are sorry for all the ways we have hurt each other. We are willing to make things as right as possible from this day on to assure each other that peace and happiness will thrive in our marriage and family.”

“Therefore, with God’s help, we make the following promises that give us all a brighter future and a meaningful start point for healing in our family. As a result of much time spent talking and understanding each other, we desire to make family a high priority for everyone by doing activities together as a couple and a family. We invite each other to enjoy life together. We want to make good memories and lasting values that will go on for generations and generations. We want family stories that will tell of our love, intimacy, connection, and respect for each other. We want people to know that we really know each other and that we experienced redemption – i.e. we recovered what was lost or that which we never even had.”

“We look to a future of no regrets and no fears of abandonment. We strive to be a safe home for everyone as we have a mutual connection to a faith-community where we can all grow and be transformed. We strive to connect to each other through reading God’s word, listening to God’s Spirit, and being with God’s people.”

“We also realize we need to take all of the above promises in steps and to give each other time to change and grow. We promise to extend grace to each other as we change. We want to be a grace-based couple and family. We agree to change our parenting styles to help our children become independent responsible adults. Therefore, we will strive to be loving, accepting, and gracious parents who will extend unconditional love and at the same time not to be afraid to speak truth-in-love.”

“We promise to do our part and have confidence that God will do His part. God specializes in doing the impossible and we trust Him for the miracles to keep our marriage and family on the right path – His path.”

Redemption and Leadership

2009-01-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

Ever consider how to choose a leader to bring back what was lost?

When considering redemptive leaders for a faith-community, I recommend, The Shepherd Leader, a book by Jim Van Yperen. The book is well written and presents a logical, original thesis that has gone under the radar of mainstream students of church leadership. I offer my comments on just one section, Chapter Two, entitled, How to Recognize Who Should Lead. This chapter is a resource I come back to many times as I meet with faith-communities who are trying to discern who should lead. If you read the chapter, it will change the way you think about authority and leadership qualifications in the church.

The logic path of the chapter is simple. Here's how I look at it:
(Calling + Gifting + Appointment) x Character = Spiritual Authority.

Calling is God saying, "Do this" - plain and simple.

Gifting is what God gives an individual to do the call from God.

Appointment is the affirmation of God's calling and gifting to a specific time, purpose, and place. Appointment comes through the church, the faith-community of Christ-followers.

When the above elements come together there is Spiritual Authority.
Spiritual Authority is rooted in God's grace and the empowering of the Holy Spirit. Therefore it requires a responsible and humble response on the part of the leader.

Character holds the whole leadership equation together. If Character is zero because of a lack of spiritual fruit, moral failure, or misconduct, the leader has zero Spiritual Authority. The leader could have the Calling, Gifting, and Appointment but without Character the leader forfeits Spiritual Authority - it all blows apart!

Spiritual Authority, therefore, is the convergence and expansion of everything listed before the equal sign. Spiritual Authority is not based on experience or knowledge, relationships, position, or a constitution. It is God's authority entrusted to a humble and responsible member of the faith-community of believers.

Why a redemptive leader? We need leaders with Spiritual Authority to lead our faith-communities out of bondage into freedom; to equip us to be the keepers and reminders of God's covenant; to balance our brokenness with courage, and integrity with justice; to bring back what was taken; to rob the house of darkness and bring us into the light; and to redeem who we are under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Redeeming Memories and Laughter

2009-01-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

Zephaniah 3:17, "The LORD your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love."

It's amazing how one thought leads to another.

This verse was included in a recent list of devotional verses given to me by a good friend. What is remarkable is that this verse was carried by my son, Scott, in his wallet. The verse was on one side of a card, and on the other side was this picture of a laughing and smiling Jesus.

In turn, this reminded me of a time when Scott came home from Immanuel High School excited about seeing a film about the life of Christ that showed Jesus laughing. Scott was relishing in the sight of a Jesus who laughed. "Dad, Jesus was laughing in this film! Isn't that cool?"

Soon, however, my thoughts reflected on the tragic loss of Scott in 1996 and how much the hurt still lingers with me. Once again, I turned my thoughts to thanking God for a Savior who wins victory after victory - even victory over death. Thanking God for rejoicing over Scott. Thinking of how Scott and Jesus are laughing in heaven!

Then I wondered what they would be laughing about? I thought about the time I took a bad fall from my mountain bike. It was very bad. I fell so hard I cracked my helmet. Scott was with me at the time. I remember him racing after me and yelling, "Dad, are you OK?

I looked at him through the dust and dirt still in the air and started laughing. Why? Because something that had the potential of really hurting me, wasn't that serious. In fact, we both started laughing!

I wonder if Scott and I will have that same type of laugh in heaven. Having gone through something so serious as our own death, I wonder if we end up just laughing about it. I wonder if they are laughing about that now.

I remember when Jesus went to the grave of a friend and "He wept." But then, he told his friend to "Come forth!" I love that - and I have to think that Jesus said that with a smile on his face, even through his tears of grief. Yes, I have to think that Jesus and Scott are laughing at death that has no sting, no victory, and is only described as a mere shadow. I can't wait to laugh with them! That will be refreshing!

Redemptive Communication: Should I write a letter?

2008-12-19T15:26:00.000-08:00

Harvard Business Review in 1985 published study-findings regarding the most effective way to communicate. The article concluded that the most effective way to communicate was when we talked face-to-face. Perhaps that is why Jesus taught us to "go" to the other person when we have a conflict to reconcile. Could it be what Jesus taught really works? Apparently, Harvard Business Review would think so.

Oh, write a letter? Only if it is an invitation to talk face-to-face.

Yes on 8 vs. No on 8 - Where's the redemptive response?

2008-11-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

11/16/2008 Fresno, CA, USA -- The Prop 8 fight has taken a peaceful turn toward the positive, at least here in the valley - Click here.

Three cheers for Fresno! How refreshing! Let's follow their example and use invitation instead of escalation.

Can we listen and understand each other instead of being bent on destroying each other? Understanding does not mean agreement, but agreement can come from understanding. In fact, there are only four ways to respond to this or any conflict: escalation, arbitration, mediation, or invitation. What I mainly see on the news is escalation. I hope we can find ways to invite others into the dialogue.

Frankly, there is no reconciliation without invitation. Someone has to do the work of invitation. Otherwise, it is just all about power.

Counting the gains helps to redeem the loss.

2008-11-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

I asked a young widow, "If you could wave a magic wand over any of the past, what would you change?" Her answer was not surprising but it was surprisingly redemptive. She responded, "I would want my husband alive again, but I would not want to lose what I have learned since his death." There is a healing tenet in this short story, "Counting the gains helps to redeem the loss."

Redemptive Living - YOU ARE LIVING THE RIGHT LIFE!

2008-11-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

Many times when I meet with people who have lost a loved one to death, they wonder if they are living the right life. What went wrong? Why me? Why my family member? Did I do something wrong? Is God punishing me? These are haunting questions that make those-that-mourn wonder if they have somehow taken the wrong road. However, even in the midst of deep grief and mourning, it is always a pleasure for me to tell them . . . they are living the right life. A life of love is the right life to live even though it hurts. Even so, in the middle of loss, sometimes life feels like it has gone down the wrong road.

I love the scene in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” when the drivers of two different cars are going the same way but each on the opposite side of the freeway. Obviously, one of the drivers is GOING THE WRONG WAY! In fact, this type of yelling goes back and forth between the drivers claiming the other one is GOING THE WRONG WAY! People in mourning sometimes feel they are going the wrong way as life continues to go on.

I find it helpful to be able to tell a bereaved person that they are going the right way even though it seems like the wrong way. Experts tell us that love and grief go hand-in-hand. If we choose to love, we automatically choose to grieve. Plus, our grief speaks of our love. We grieve much because we loved much. One really cannot have love without grief. It is only natural that one grieves when a loved one dies.

This may explain why some people choose not to love. If they do not love, they will not grieve and, therefore, they will not hurt. So, what then is the kind of life they have chosen to live? When one chooses not to live a life of love, one chooses to live a life of anger, fear, bitterness, revenge, denial, or certainly something else other than love.

When I see someone who is deeply grieved and actively mourning and still choosing to love, I have to affirm their choice. “Yes, life hurts now but you are choosing to live the right life. YOU ARE LIVING THE RIGHT LIFE!” Living a life of love makes the difference between being transformed by one's losses or destroyed by one's losses. A life of love is always the right life to live even in the midst of deep pain.

Generosity: Mark of a Redemptive Community

2008-08-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

"That's not fair!"

In a past NPC mediation for a non-profit organization, fairness was an issue – fairness over who received what and how much. What does Jesus think of this type of conflict? I do not know the circumstances behind the recording of the siblings' protest in Luke 12:13. But whatever the circumstances, Jesus seems less concerned about fairness and more concerned about motives. While the protesting sibling wants arbitration, Jesus refuses to be the judge or arbiter. In fact, He says to the listening crowd including both siblings, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed: a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions” (v.15).

Jesus then teaches on different kinds of greed:

Greed that accumulates and “stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God” (v.21).

Greed that enumerates and worries about “life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear” (v.22).

Greed that consecrates and defines “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (v.34).

Greed that procrastinates and “knows his master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants” (v.47).

Granted, sometimes conflict is about injustice and fairness, but sometimes we must consider the greed factor. So, is it really about fairness or is it about one’s own greed – concerned with amassing wealth, consumed with taking inventories, compulsive over the hoard, or continually postponing what God desires?

Proverbs 11:25 teaches, “A generous man will prosper: he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” Simply, generosity promotes redemptive community, while greed destroys relationships.

Forgiveness: Mark of a Redemptive Community

2008-07-31T15:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I talk about redemptive community, people look at me . . . like I am from outer space.

What does a “redemptive community” look like?

Well, when I see an example of this type of community, I have to share it.

Jim and Sharon Van Yperen of Metanoia Ministries, along with several tireless volunteers located throughout the nation, work hard at recovering and growing redemptive community in the church. (No, that is not a picture of Jim and Sharon - see the links.) In a recent prayer-email, Jim shared the following report after assessing and making a final report to one church that is going through a very difficult time of conflict. Jim writes:

Friends,

Thank you for your prayers for us these past three days and especially for our reconciliation meetings this morning. God was truly present in these meetings. Each person came prepared with written notes to make heartfelt confession to one another. One man told us he was up most of the night and knew that God's Spirit was convicting him of sin. He actually wrote and read four pages of carefully worded confession where he took unconditional and complete responsibility for the sin of pride, judging motives and gossip -- acknowledging the pain his words and actions had caused, expressing genuine remorse and asking for forgiveness. As he read his confession the tears flowed from the two he had sinned against washing away the fear, distrust and bitterness that had been present before walking into the room. At the end of the meeting they embraced one another, reconfirmed their love for one another and their commitment to rebuild lost trust in their relationship. It was amazing. Each of the three meetings was truly remarkable as people carefully and humbly spoke to each other.

Of course, this is only the start of a process and there is much more that these and others need to do, but it was a good day for the Kingdom of God and a great start toward healing in this church. Thank you for your prayers.

Peace, Jim

Thank you, Jim, for the wonderful story of redeeming what was lost.

Truly, without forgiveness, there is no hope for being a redemptive community.

A Redemptive Life involves both the King . . . and the Kingdom.

2008-07-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

OPTIONS:

Accepting both the King and the Kingdom.

Accepting the King

but rejecting the Kingdom.

Rejecting both the King and the Kingdom.

Rejecting the King

but accepting the Kingdom.

____________

Philippines Mission Trip Slide Show

2008-07-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

"Conversations from a Birthing Room"

2008-07-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

Bonnie writes . . . A precious baby is entering the world today. As we watch the contractions on the monitor, the birthing room fills with grandparents, aunts and uncles; everyone coming with anticipation to greet the newest member of their family. Yet, the conversation I have with my friends, the expectant parents, is quite different than any other. To understand, you need to know more.

Not long ago, friends and family gathered at this same hospital to welcome Kade - see sweet Kade on the left. Last summer, on August 28th, Kade entered this world. Sadly on October 28th, at just two months of age, Kade slipped into eternity in his sleep – cause of death: SIDS.

His parents have deep faith in God, and continue to trust Him with this loss. All the same, their faith does not lessen their sorrow. They still grieve . . . they grieve with hope – a hope of that blessed reunion when they will hold dear sweet Kade once again.

Just before Christmas, my dear friend discovered she was expecting again. In fact, she was already about 10 weeks along. Calculations indicate that she actually conceived this baby the week before Kade’s death.

And therein lies some of the tension in Kade’s story. I have heard her lament – “If you wanted me to have a baby, God, why would you take my sweet Kade, only to give me another one?”

These questions of “why” – so much a part of one’s grief journey – often do not have an answer. They are questions that express our deepest longing for understanding, for meaning, for some way of knowing – "How do I go on living with this tremendous burden of loss?"

So this morning in the birthing room, amid the contractions and medical personnel, we talk about Kade and sorrow and Gethsemane. We talk about our theology of grief – what is God like and what does God do in times of loss. We remember David’s Psalms of Lament. We talk about the Garden of Gethsemane the night before Jesus’ death. It is truly an example of lament. When the reality of the loss became clear to him, Jesus enters Gethsemane deeply grieved. There in Gethsemane, the Hebrew word meaning olive press, Jesus utters his prayers of protest, that his life will be crushed under the burden of sin. There Jesus climbs into the lap of Abba Father and pleads for this cup of death to pass from him. In fact, three times Jesus brings his pain to God, and then finally rests in submission to the Father’s plan – a plan that will glorify God and draw people to Him.

Today is not a redemptive moment because there is another birth in the family. Today does not redeem the loss of precious Kade. No, the Redemptive Steps came months ago. When Kade died, there was the potential for his parents to be destroyed by his loss. But they are choosing daily to be transformed by it. By God’s grace and mercy, Kade’s parents choose to rest in the everlasting arms of God, to trust Him with this loss and in the process, their lives glorify God and draw others to His Kingdom.

Revelation 21:3-5 promises: And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new," and He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true."

Post Script: At approximately 3:30 pm this afternoon, Kade’s little sister, Tori Ann, came into this world.

Sexual Misconduct vs. Redemptive Pre-Activity

2008-06-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

When our kids were much younger, Bonnie and I would practice a pre-activity talk with Amy and Scott prior to entering an outing or event where they might be tempted to misbehave. In essence, we talked about what we were about to do and the consequences of poor decisions. Most of the time our children made us proud! I think the pre-activity talk made the difference as they were empowered to redeem the moment and not yield to behaving badly.

Honestly, I think church leadership needs to have more pre-activity talks. I have had too many experiences hearing about, ministering to, or mediating conflict centering around leadership misconduct - specifically sexual misconduct.

The following letter comes through Don Byers, a friend and a wonderful part of the family. Don writes, "I share this unusual blog from a fallen pastor because such repentance appears to be the exception these days, rather than the norm."

Open Letter to the Elders and to _____________ Church of ________________ in the State of _______.,

One year ago today, I spoke for the last time at _________ Church. For the first time since ________, I have gone a year and have not spoken in a church, not served in a church, not volunteered in a church, and have not been asked to...just months ago, I began attending a church again (sit in the back, head down, anonymous.)

It seems like the one year mark would be a good time and place to write this letter. I am so sorry for the pain and emotional upheaval my life and actions have caused you and the precious bride of Christ.

I'm sorry for the deceptions, the irresponsibility, and the sin of adultery that came from my life and infected others. I assume full responsibility for my actions with no excuses and no rationalizations.

As you can also attest, this has been the hardest two years of my life, with this past year especially crushing. With the help of our Lord, a dear Christian counselor, some medication, and a few close people in my life, I am seeing light at the end of a self-inflicted tunnel.

This is not the life path I would have chosen for myself or dear family...no one wakes up and decides, "Today I will destroy my life and do harm to those around me." This path was a gradual one with many calls from God to stop, which I did not heed. HE was faithful. I was not.

The Bible says that when sin is fully formed, it yields death. So much has died in and around my life. What I cling to these days is the belief that God specializes in resurrections. He brings life to places there was once death.

_______________ Church, I loved you; and in many ways, served you well. My legacy, however, is one of failure and sin. I can't undo that.

I can only walk with Christ in authenticity--no longer hiding imperfections and failures, but living truthfully--honestly and with integrity (inside and outside matching). Will you see sin in my life? Yes. Am I striving to grow in Christ? Yes.

What I MUST do is offer this public confession, my sincere apology and my heartfelt request for your forgiveness.

With Sorrow...and yet with hope,

(signed) ________________

Pre-Activity Questions: If you had an affair, how would would you write this letter? How would you fill in the blanks?

As I read the letter, I could not help but think of an activity that Dr. James Cecy uses in his profoundly sobering conference on sexual purity, Ambassadors of Purity. This is one of the best conferences I have ever attended. Dr. Cecy does an excellent job communicating the harsh reality of sexual misconduct. He says, "If you decide to have a sexual affair, you better make sure it is the best sex you have ever had . . . because it will cost you the most."

To drive this point home, he uses a pre-activity to bring the notion of falleness to reality. He invites the attendees to ponder the devastating results of immorality. Dr. Cecy asks everyone to do the following assignment using names and stating specifics, "If you were caught in the act of sexual immorality, what would be the effect on your relationship with your Lord? Your family? Your spouse? Your church? The community at large? How might it hurt you physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and economically?" Then he asks, "Considering all the consequences, is it really worth it?"

Thoughtful pre-activities can redeem us from the post-activity's devastating results and brokenness. Pre-activity can create the blessedness and wholeness of no-activity.

Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Redeeming a Past of Dirty Laundry

2008-05-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

Eric, a name I give all of my former juvenile offenders, wrote the following essay in his Junior College English 1A class. He wrote about coming to a point of reconciliation with his people - his ethnic group. He came to accept and redeem who he was and to whom he belonged. Eric moves us from resentment to love, from brokenness to wholeness, from shame to strength, from little to abundance. Here is Eric in his own words, used with his permission - his essay, "All I Have."

A few weeks ago, I went on a mission trip to Tijuana, Mexico. I stayed with a pastor named Robert and his family for five days. It was difficult being next to Pastor Robert 24/7. We had to wake up every morning by four in order to be at the church by five so we could have a time of prayer, bible study, and fellowship before the workday started. We visited families throughout the day to pray for them, rehearse dramas, and watch over the men that stayed in the men’s home.

I do not know why I had a desire to go to Tijuana. I did not know Pastor Robert or his family very well. I didn’t think there was anything for me to see, learn, or even care about in Tijuana. It seemed as if I had a calling to go. The opportunity to go down there without paying a penny came and I took it, thinking I was in for a free ride. Little did I know it was going to be a life changing ride.

Even though I am Mexican myself, I used to have a lot of resentment towards Mexicans because I had so many bad examples in my life. I thank God for my mother, even though she kept the “Mexican tradition” and had me when she was fifteen years old. I knew it was not normal for me to talk to my father through a glass window. I also knew it was bad when I was four years old and raped by a Mexican farm worker. I didn’t fully understand what it all meant at the time and I am still trying to make sense of everything till this day.

The troubles I went through and the things I saw when I was growing up sparked a flame of shame within me. That flame is what influenced me to be ashamed of my name, to look down on my people, and to forget where I came from. There were many times I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. My mother always tried her best to encourage me to press forward, be strong, and not look back. That was something difficult for me to do when I looked in the mirror every morning. It was harder going to sleep at night with the nightmares.

When I was in Tijuana, we visited a mother of five and a grandmother of many. Her house was very small; it had concrete floors and walls, only one room, and her bed was in the same room as the kitchen. There was no air conditioning besides the windows to open when it got too hot or blankets she had when it got too cold. You can hear the rain fall on the tin roof and pray to God the chair didn’t break when you sat on it. I knew she did not have much even for herself.

She was cooking when Pastor Robert and I got there. My mouth became very watery when the smell of chicken tamales and barbacoa hit my nose. She offered me a plate of her freshly cooked food.

“What do you have to drink?”

“Coca-Cola, agua, or horchata.” She replied.

I figured since I was in Mexico I’d take the horchata.

“Do you have any napkins?” I asked.

She looked around and reached into a clean basket of clothing, tore up a shirt, and handed it to me.

“This is all I have,” she said with a comforting smile on her face.

She didn’t even know my name, she didn’t know if she would ever see me again, and she was still willing to give me what she had even if it was the shirt off her back. I never knew so much love could come from something so little, I never knew so much love could come from my own people. Now I understand what “Mi casa, su casa,” means. Now I know and embrace where I am from.

I am reminded of a song written by Keith Green, Your Love Broke Through. Here are some of the lyrics:

All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part,
And with one touch, you just rolled away the stone that held my heart,
And now I see that the answer was as easy, as just asking you in,
And I am so sure I could never doubt your gentle touch again,
It's like the power of the wind.
Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed,
until your love broke through,
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me,
Until your love, until your love, broke through.

Thank you God for breaking through Eric's brokenness with the power of your love! You took him from his dirty laundry to a basket of abundant love.

You have four ways to do this . . .

2008-05-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

and only four . . . . . .

1. Escalation
2. Arbitration
3. Mediation
4. Invitation

So, you have a conflict.

What are you going to do? The good news is that you have four options. Dr. Ron Claassen, professor at Fresno Pacific University, offers an explicit illustration of these four options. I have taken some liberty to adapt his model as illustrated above.

I use this as a decision tool in most mediation settings. I ask, "Which one do you want to do? I can probably help you with two of them."

Every conflict has four response options:

Escalation: One party can simply overpower the other party. One party will make the decision. Examples: The party with power (indicated by being inside the circle) uses power to get their way. This party could be a policeman, a soldier, a criminal with a gun, or the bully on the playground, or even the party with the majority vote. This party could be a person who rescues another person even against their will. (If my granddaughter was playing in a street and a truck was coming toward her, I would use my power as an adult to physically remove her from the street even at the risk of her not understanding, hating me, protesting, or even fighting me as I try to help her.) This party could also be someone who chooses to use their power to leave another party, group or organization; or to withhold financial support, such as, child support or even church tithes. This party could also be the one to withhold emotional involvement or love, including avoiding or being evasive, giving the cold shoulder or quiet treatment.

However, on a de-escalation note, this party could also be the one to tolerate or even overlook an offense (Proverbs 12:16, 16:32, and 19:11. ) with the intent to never bring it up, in essence, to love, to extend grace, to forgive, and to never hold the offense against the other party. Hmmm, the power to love, accept, forgive, honor, respect . . .

Arbitration: When parties cannot agree, an outside party can be empowered to bring resolution and to make the final decision. Hence, the "X" is in the circle. Examples: X is the party with the power to resolve the conflict. This party may be a judge, jury, or arbitrator. X could be any authority figure with the positional power to make decisions, direct and lead others. Such as: a teacher, a store manager, a coach, a counselor, or advisor. X could be an outside authority that is not necessarily a person. Such as, the dictionary when playing the game of Scrabble - the dictionary decides the correct way to spell a word. X could be the traffic signal - the signal decides who will stop and who will go. X could be a coin as in head-or-tails - the coin decides who is right or who is wrong, or who will receive and who will kick the football. X could be who or what you go to for advice or direction when you are stuck, such as, a trusted friend, "The Golden Rule," God in prayer, or the Holy Bible.

Mediation: When parties cannot agree, an outside party can serve as a mediator to help all the participants (stake holders) to be empowered to experience resolution and to make a joint/mutual decision in a collaborative way. (Note: everyone is in the circle except the mediator, i.e. "X"!) Examples: facilitator, a discussion leader, listener, counselor, “go-between,” observer, peacemaker, negotiator, interventionist, or a parent.

Invitation: All parties are constructive and naturally invite and receive each other into a process of reconciliation without outside help. Examples: One party taking the initiative to invite another party into a time of discussion about a disagreement or offense. And in response the party being invited accepts the invitation. If the issue is an offense, the party doing the invitation can be the author or receiver of the offense. The invitation has a sense of urgency about it. Resolution is sought quickly and timely. The invitation is based on love, care, or value placed on the other parties or at the very least a willingness to be constructive.

You can be sure you will use one if not all of these options when responding to your conflict.

Which ones are the most redemptive? Actually, they could all be used in a redemptive way if your intent is to be respectful, reasonable, and restorative. Escalation can bring redemptive value. Certainly, Jesus taught a process of escalation when teaching about how to minister to an offender. But the process was always to bring that person to a point of listening and ultimately redemption and change. Jesus taught us to "go" - to make invitation our first choice whether we are the author of the offense (Matthew 5:23-24) or the receiver of the offense as seen in Matthew 18:15-20. Jesus taught us to escalate if the other party was not listening.

Even so, the escalation that Jesus taught was mild compared to how we escalate. I am always cautious about giving any type of approval to escalation, simply, because it is our nature to go there first as a powerful option/weapon. I am reminded of a time when I taught on Matthew 18 and the mandate to go to the other party and to invite them into a process of reconciliation. From my "teaching," an individual thought it appropriate to go and tell-off the other party - immediately after church! Yes, he did escalate the conflict but not for redemptive purposes.

There is so much more that could be said about these options. If you have a question or comment, please send me an email at tony@newpathcenter.org.

VORP: A Story of Redemption

2008-05-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

Eric had big career plans but his involvement in a crime undermined his chances of obtaining his goal and a brighter future. He was now faced with a criminal record. It seemed like a minor act of retaliation “because a friend asked.” But a few minutes of "drive-by-paintball" vandalism resulted in a felony with long-term consequences. Eric’s future was unclear and certainly bleak.

I am always moved by the stories I experience while doing mediation work with the community & faith-based Victim Offender Reconciliation Program (VORP). I have been a volunteer VORP mediator since 1992. Serving as a VORP mediator has been both worthwhile and inspirational. It is some of the most important work that I could do for my community as I see the redemptive message of Jesus Christ come to life.

While I have had the privilege of helping a number of juvenile offenders, Eric (not his real name) comes to mind most certainly as a person with a story of redemption due in part because of VORP. Eric’s story consists of many events that contributed to his transformation journey. However, I am pleased to share that a VORP mediation was one of those events that helped him on his journey of character development.

The Fresno County Probation Department referred Eric’s case to VORP. VORP assigned the case to me. I met with Eric to explain how VORP could help with his situation. I told him that if he wanted to cooperate with the VORP program, he would be given an opportunity to make things as right as possible with his victims.

While I could not guarantee that a judge would be any easier on him because of VORP, I did tell Eric that if he cooperated and worked on a constructive resolution to his offense, the VORP program might be beneficial for him at his court time. He would still have to pay his fines, do his community service, finish his classes, and do all the justice system required of him. I could not change any of that for him. I could only offer a program that might help him, his victims, and his community to heal from the offense.

Right from the start, Eric was a willing participant in the VORP mediation process. He arrived on time and constructively added to the success of the mediation as we met with his victims. He also quickly fulfilled his VORP agreement with his victims. In fact, Eric went above and beyond what was expected of him in making things as right as possible. He did practical jobs for the victims, expressed apology, regret, embarrassment, self-assessment, and remorse in addition to being the author of a generous restitution amount. He also paid the restitution in full and sooner than agreed.

The victims’ willingness to participate in this redemptive story is another wonderful feature of Eric’s journey. The victims gained not just payment for damages done, but they also gained an opportunity to become agents of change. Eric was impressed with their “big hearts” toward him, their kindness, and their openness to include him in their community once again. He said their words were healing, but what made the difference was their redeeming actions toward him. I can’t go into detail on their exact actions, but it was a huge step toward healing.

The day before his scheduled court appointment, Eric asked if I would write a letter to the judge outlining all that he had completed with the VORP program. I gladly wrote the letter. Eric said as he stood before the judge all he held in his hands was his VORP letter. He gave the letter to the bailiff, the bailiff gave the letter to the judge, the judge read the letter, and the judge looked down over his glasses at Eric. “Have you learned your lesson,” the judge asked. “Yes,” Eric replied. “Charges dismissed,” said the judge.

Dismissed? What did this mean? It meant that Eric would not have this felony on his record. In essence the judge had forgiven him and, thus, no longer held the offense against him. Eric’s future all of a sudden became clear and bright.

Today, Eric is not only enjoying a brighter future but he is also growing in his faith, attending both church and a young-adult Bible study, planning on going on a mission trip, and learning to choose better friends.

This is Eric’s redemptive story which continues to this day toward a brighter future.

Bonnie, Bodie, BJ, Babe, Mrs. Redfern, My Crown: We broke the cycle!

2008-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

If I spent the rest of my life looking for someone of more gracious character than you, I would be looking over the greatest treasure that exists, right now, in my own household.

You see, what I have right now is complete and full - for you bring good into all of my life – with all of your life.

Your selfless practical giving is hugely evident. You are an enthusiastic hard worker, bountifully resourceful, committed, and generous.

You are not only industrious but you are also money-wise; taking great responsibility with what God has entrusted to us. You possess both integrity and justice. You wisely plan ahead to head off trouble for the household. And yet, your eyes and ears are ever directed to the poor, needy, and oppressed.

When troubles come, you have already prepared us to meet the challenge by providing comfort, care, and provision.

Because of who you are, I am well respected in our community. I am proud to be known as, “Mrs. Redfern’s husband!”

You are clothed with strength and dignity which gives you a great perspective on life and an ability to meet any adversity.

Your wisdom and advice are sought after and esteemed.

Your passion is to take good care of your family.

Yes, we all rise and call you blessed. I honor you with much love. I stand and say, “Wow! What a woman, what a wife – my wife!”

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

Bonnie, you are my crown! It is such a pleasure to honor you this day and every day! Thank you for a great love story!

All my love, Tony

PS: Some might be asking, "What cycle?" In my previous blog I mentioned that I am one of five siblings. With one brother, I share my mother; with another brother and a sister, I share my father; and with Marshall, I share my mother and my father. Bonnie and I have experienced redemption! We broke the cycle!

"And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead." - Hebrews 11:4b

2008-04-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

I am one of five. Four brothers and one sister. Here are three of the brothers. Yes, I am the little guy sitting on the crossbar of my oldest brother's bike. (It is a wonder that I was able to father children!) Jerry was thoughtful enough to provide me with a blanket to sit on. It was probably my na-na.

None-the-less, I want to talk about Marshall, the brother in the forefront. Marshall is a very important person to me. Marshall led me to my first concepts of God and in a way . . . he led me to Jesus when I was seven years old. That doesn't sound too strange until I tell that Marshall died when I was just under two years of age. He was almost five when he died. Yes, I did say he led me to Jesus when I was seven.

You see, through the years, I visited Marshall's grave many times with my bereaved mother. One time I started asking myself questions about eternity. Where was Marshall? And the bigger question for a seven year old - Where will I be when I die? Talk about coming face to face with death.

I grew up in a house of grief and I seem to understand the verse that says, "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." Was I wise at such a young age? I don't know, but I am thankful for the questions I struggled with at my brother's graveside. Why? Because the redemptive value in my brother's death was the very fact that through my brother my heart was touched in such a way as to ask the hard questions that would change my life forever. Was death the end?

Thank God my mother took me to church. One day my Sunday School teacher (Thank God for SS teachers!) told the class of boys about Jesus and eternal life. This was the information that I was looking for - talk about good news. This was the gospel! God's gospel for me! This is what Marshall was showing me. You see, he led me to this point as the destination of all those countless times I visited his grave and stared down at it with so many deep questions. Marshall, though he was dead, spoke to my heart and led me to my Savior and Lord.

Is there redemptive value in the death of a child? I have to say yes. God works with us in all situations to bring good - even in a situation like Marshall's.

Oh, my dear brother, I had to say goodbye before I even said hello! Marshall, how sweet the reunion will be!

Forgiveness in Action in Kingsburg

2008-04-30T14:35:00.000-07:00

I enjoy being a part of a wonderful ministerial fellowship in Kingsburg. As a result of participating with this group of ministers, I have benefited greatly by becoming friends with pastors from various denominations. One such friendship is with the local priest, Father Greg Beaumont. He has written the following article which tells a gripping redemptive story about a juvenile offender and forgiveness. The article was first published in a recent Central California Catholic Life newspaper. Here is the article in full, in his own words, reprinted with his permission:

It was a sad and disheartening day back in early December, when we discovered that the monstrance (empty), a thurible for burning incense from Jerusalem, a chasuble (priest's vestment), three alter servers robes, an empty velvet collection bag and the small cross from the Tabernacle - valued $7000 were gone. Much greater value, of course, was the sacredness of these things we use for worship here at the Holy Family church in Kingsburg. This was the first of a string of robberies, in five churches in Kingsburg.

Later, a 16 year-old was arrested and the stolen items recovered and the people in the town were angry and upset. In February, I talked with the youth in juvenile hall. He told me how difficult it was to be there for over a year. "I was not a thief, but in a weak and foolish moment agreed to hide the items stolen by some 'friends' involved with drugs."

I expressed the forgiveness of everyone at my church, and how we are prepared to help him. He was surprised and confused because, he felt he didn't deserve any kindness. I give thanks for this very special grace-filled opportunity. It is the infinite love and mercy that Jesus shows us on the cross, that inspires us to treat others with kindness and patience and mercy even when they offend us and hurt us.

I shared with him the story of Jesus how he was arrested, and treated as a criminal, and the story of St. Maximilian Kolbe, who used his prison time to reach out to others with kindness and to help them. He could make his jail stay more bearable by being kind to other young prisoners and to the correctional officers. He said the he was profoundly sorry for the theft, and together we bowed our heads and prayed.

For anyone who has been hurt, offended, victimized, abused, robbed or betrayed, cheated on, overlooked, neglected or put down, there is a road that leads to healing and peace. It is the road to Calvary, to the Son of Man who in response to scourging, blows and spit in this face, insults and lies, mockery and crowning with thorns, and with nails driven into this hands and feet, made the effort to say, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

What is interesting is I tried to become involved with this case as a VORP mediator. But sadly I could not gain parental consent. Even so, it is just like God to provide another means to bring redemptive value to a dark situation. Thank you Father Greg for being an instrument of God's peace!

Hope that Redeems!

2008-03-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

Bonnie and I went to Israel about a year after Scott died. Our most meaningful experience was our visit to the Garden Tomb in Jerusalem. I never realized just how much we would be impacted by that spot.

Before we left for the trip, I asked God to show me hope while I was in Israel. God gave me a theme verse for the tour: Hebrews 6: 19, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

As an answer to my prayer, God showed me hope.

When we were at the Garden Tomb site, an older English gentleman gave us a tour. He lectured on the significance of certain artifacts in the area of the tomb. As we listened, our small group of friends stood in front of Jesus' empty tomb carved out of rock.

The Englishman told us, “While we cannot know for certain that the Garden Tomb was in fact the very tomb where Jesus was buried, we have found many Jewish and Christian symbols in the area.” He turned our attention to the outside wall of the tomb and started to trace a carving with his finger and said, “For instance, carved in this wall is an early Christian symbol of an . . . anchor.”

I don’t think I heard anything else he said. There was the answer to my prayer! God showed me a symbol of hope – an anchor carved into the side of the tomb of Jesus. This was my symbol of hope. The tomb is empty! Death is not the end! There is hope in Jesus Christ and His empty tomb proves it. This is my anchor of hope!

Searching for a redemptive moment . . .

2008-03-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

"Children's children are a crown to the aged,

and parents are the pride of their children."

Proverbs 17:6

Searching for a redemptive moment is a precious and yet seemingly a futile activity when looking at my 88 year-old mother's health fading away. Even so, with eighty years between them, this picture of my now frequently-dozing mother with her loving great granddaughter, Kaitlyn, captures one of those moments. When confronted with the reality of pending death, it is good to remember there are moments to celebrate, meaningful memories to make, hurts that can be healed, and a great sense of God's grace. It is good to trust in Christ - and where else would we go?

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.

We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

John 6:68

Heaving Around

2008-02-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

A wonderful print hangs in my office. The painting is titled "Heaving Around." Maritime artist, Marek Sarba, captures a difficult maneuver in a stormy seascape. The painting "depicts the Saint Andre being made fast to the towing bit of the steam tug ADLER, a maneuver that poses great danger to crewmen and vessels in heavy seas." The disabled freighter is literally being pulled by the tug so it can gain a more favorable position to weather the storm. Without this maneuver, the ship would be doomed.

As a mediator, I believe the painting is a metaphor for the those constructive but critical moments during a mediation when one can see the interactions of the participants move in a redemptive way. Even in the worst emotional storms, I really believe when those heaving-around moments come, God is present. Time and time again, I have seen the heaving-around moment come in the form of a much needed and sincere apology.

Here's what a heaving-around moment sounds like, "I hurt you. I am so sorry. I want to make sure this never happens again. So, this is how I will promise to change . . ."

That's the kind of apology that will help any relationship to weather the storms of conflict.

More on the art of Apology

More on the painting Heaving Around

More on the artist Marek Sarba

Beagle Is Numero Uno at Westminster

2008-02-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

Beagles are redeemed at last! 100 years of oppression finally ends! Long live Uno! Long live Snoopy! Miss Maggie of Kingsburg is smiling!

Sunset Forgiveness

2008-02-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

(Scott full of life!)

Today is February 4th. This date remains one of the most important redemptive days in our family’s life.

February 4, 1996, a Sunday, to be exact. Amy was away at Biola University, beginning the second semester of her freshman year. Scott, a sophomore at Immanuel High School in Reedley, was not having a good morning. He argued with his mom all the way to church. He was relentlessly unapologetic about wanting his own way on some issue – neither Bonnie nor I can remember the issue, but we do remember the argument well.

As we arrived at church, Bonnie stayed in the car with Scott, hoping to reach a point of reconciliation. It was to no avail. Scott was determined to remain angry and eventually left the car in a huff.

We remember how troubled we felt as we sat through church, knowing all the while the lack of unity in our family that morning. We went to the New Life class (I taught the class at the time) and again this burden for reconciliation weighed heavy on us.

Following the class, Scott came down stairs to meet me, as he often did at the end of our time at church. I reminded Scott how "vitally important" it was to make things right with his mother - today, now, immediately. Scott stated that he knew he was wrong and he would talk with her as soon as we left the building.

Scott did make things right. He apologized for his anger. He asked Bonnie to forgive him, and she did. We went on to have a great day together, fellowshipping with one another, enjoying laughs and talking about the plans we had for the coming week.

The next day, February 5th, at 11:26 am, God called Scott home. At 11:36 am - I was paged as I pulled off northbound Hwy 99, Floral Ave., Selma, California, 1996 in the year of our Lord. I called my office. My co-worker said, "Your son has been hurt in an accident." Time and space stood still that day. As the events unfolded, a horrifying dread came over me.

Scott was involved in a fatal accident in his woodshop class. Although he was placed on life support, he was declared brain dead on Tuesday, February 6th. We said goodbye, this side of eternity, to our precious son, Scott, at the age of 16 years old.

Why then, is February 4th, such an important redemptive day to our family? None of us knew it would be the last full day with Scott. None of us knew

This is for why - why we take care of today's conflict today. May your sunsets always include the vivid colors of forgiveness.

Nouwen, Edison, and John the Baptist (JTB)

2008-01-25T14:25:00.000-08:00

Henri J.M. Nouwen in this book, The Wounded Healer, offers insights on a life well spent even in light of brokenness. I took liberty to adapt some of his thoughts into this blog. I have to keep asking the larger faith community to image what we could do together as we not only bear one another's burdens but also the brokenness of our community.

But before I offer Nouwen's thoughts, let me also write about what Thomas Edison said. One of my favorite Edison quotes is,

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves."

As Christ followers, I wonder why we feel so incapable of addressing the brokenness around us? You see, in Christ, we are extremely capable and we should be astounded! I love how JTB introduced Jesus - "the one more powerful than I." Jesus is the one more powerful that I and yet Jesus, the Living Christ by his Spirit, is in me making me more powerful than I could ever imagine! But power for what purpose?

Now Nouwen. What if our life purpose was to recognize the brokenness and oppression of our time, in our own heart, and make that heart-felt recognition the starting point of our work and ministry? Realistically, our work will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the brokenness and oppression about which we speak. Therefore, we will have to make our own wounds available as a source of healing. For one person needs another to live. Therefore the deeper we are willing to enter into the painful condition which we and others know, the more likely it is that we can be leaders, leading people out of the desert into the promised land.

Let us say to others, “I will not let you go. I am going to be here tomorrow waiting for you. I expect you not to disappoint me for we will travel together. We are not alone. We are not unloved.”

Thankfully, we are redeemed to be redemptive.

Redemptive Ricochet

2008-01-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

In a Perspectives class, Brian Hogan, former missionary to Mongolia, finished his heartbreaking story of losing his precious baby boy on the mission field. Amazingly, he spoke of the redemptive value of such a loss. The redemptive value of his son's death was that a breakthrough in his ministry came about. Brian and his wife, by being living parables, showed the people of the small village how to grieve with hope of which the village people had no concept. Grieving with hope was good news to a people who had no hope in the face of death.

I spoke to Brian after the class and purchased his book, There's a Sheep in My Bathtub. (Yes, many sheep in Mongolia.) I introduced myself and told him that I was also a bereaved father. He took the book and wrote in it: "Compensation is coming. Nothing will be forgotten." He then signed his name.

He did not explain what he wrote he merely handed the book back to me. As I pondered his two thoughts I could not help but link the statements to Scripture.

"Compensation is coming": Matthew 19:29, "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

"Nothing will be forgotten": Hebrews 6:10, "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them."

Ah yes, "Praise be to the God and Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Seeing the redemptive value in loss is a huge blessing that keeps pouring out into the lives of other broken people. It truly is a redemptive ricochet reverberating into infinity as we encourage others who encourage others . . . who encourage others! Spread the words of comfort. Let them ricochet into and off the hearts of others.

The Christmas Redemptive Love Story

2007-12-25T06:55:00.000-08:00

The essence of the Christmas redemptive love story is not difficult to find. These are the words of Christ speaking of himself. "For God so loved the world that he gave . . ." You see, love initiates. Love takes action. God gave his son, a babe born in Bethlehem who 33 years later died on a Cross, "his one and only Son." Why? "that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Love redeems what was lost . . . our life-lost to our life-eternal.

However, a redemptive love involves sacrifice - and Jesus takes us to a higher level of sacrificial giving for the sake of a redemptive love. Jesus taught, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Certainly, at the cross Jesus practiced what he preached. But he also taught us to love our enemies. Would we lay down our life for an enemy? Amazingly, Jesus died for his enemies and not just his friends. Sounds treasonous, doesn't it? Talk about aiding the enemy! But that is exactly what he did.

In fact, Jesus went against the popular thought of his time. "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies . . ." Christmas, when God invaded our world, and the Cross, when love was demonstrated, prove that God loves his enemies.

And guess what? We are his enemies! "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. [That's us along with the worst the world holds in contempt!]

[Now check this out.] Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. [Yes, it could happen. But now look . . .] But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!

For if, [here it is . . .] when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

[But wait, there is more . . .] Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

The greatest redemptive love story ever told was when someone died for his enemy. What a rare story that is . . . but Jesus did exactly that on the cross. The greatest love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his enemies. Merry Christmas!

The Most Important Redemptive Number

2007-12-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

Since the year 2000, Bonnie and I have helped thousands of people deal with or prepare for unresolved conflict or unreconciled loss. I am grateful for the effective ministry of NPC. Even so, after numbering of all the different people with whom we have walked, I am convinced the most important number is the number one, i.e one person. First, here are all the number "ones" since 2000:

Grief/Pastoral Counseling or Coaching: Over 70 people helped.

Community Mediations or Facilitations: Over 80 people served.

Family, Marriage, Workplace, or Business Mediations: Over 95 people served.

Church Mediations or Facilitations: Over 200 people served directly and over 2700 served indirectly working with 18 different churches in the states of Washington, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and throughout Northern California.

Trainings, Conferences, Workshops, and Retreats in conflict resolution or grief caregiving: Certainly hundreds if not thousands of people equipped to be better prepared to constructively deal with conflict, grief and brokenness.

Overseas teaching/missions trips: Twice to Democratic Republic of Congo and five trips to the Philippines teaching at churches, Bible schools, and seminaries.

Coordinated ministry efforts: 17 other ministries or agencies.

Church-based VORP mediation centers: Gratefully, 8 working for Restorative Justice.

The Redemptive City Project: Many small steps and little doses.

But back to the number one. Eric (not his real name), several months ago at a stalled mediation meeting with his family, left the meeting very angry and filled with hate. That one day he told his mother, "I hate you!" And he told me, "I will not come back here!" That was one very sad day. But another day came. This one day was different when he came to visit in my office. His heart was softer and he was more teachable. Eric was at a point of redemptive change. What a day! Eric is a very important one as all of the "ones" are with whom we have had the redemptive opportunity to serve.

Remember the 99 and the one! Remember God's mercies are new every day! Remember the redeemed Erics! What an awesome ministry to be able to take back what belongs to God. That is what the ministry of reconciliation is all about. And God gave this ministry to the church!

Let's go rob the house of darkness for just one more, and then another one. Agree?

Redemptive Detour

2007-12-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes healing comes in other forms than what we intended. Sometimes redemption is redirected. A while ago, a new mediator called me to share the details of his first completed case. His enthusiasm was evident as he took me through his steps of working with a juvenile offender and the victim of the offender’s crime. While the mediation did not have all the elements of being “completed,” there was a different type of healing taking place. The more difficult task for the new mediator was not dealing with the offender and the victim as much as it was dealing with the tension between the juvenile and his parents. This tension made the mediation difficult. Even so, the mediation proved to be a turning point for the family. After the mediation came to an end, the father of the juvenile privately asked the mediator if he knew of a resource that would help them become better parents. This is a great example of how mediation becomes not just a time for problem-solving but an opportunity for redemptive transformation. By the way, the mediator is a member of a faith-community and, of course, has connections to resources!

Webinar

2007-11-30T14:01:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about the wonderful man with the hat. Web is ninety-five, greets everyone on Sunday mornings at church, quotes, by memory, tons of Bible verses, passages and even whole books of the Bible, always a smile, always an encouragement, always a good word, always a blessing to me. He is an amazing man. I told Web, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you." He said, "Oh, so you want to be old?" Yes, he's old but he has a young soul - a very young soul. He is the youngest old man that I know. What do I mean by young - young and foolish? Hardly.

Perhaps, the late Keith Green gives us insight in His song, "My Eyes Are Dry."

My eyes are dry, my faith is old,
My heart is hard, my prayers are cold,
And I know how I ought to be,
Alive to you, and dead to me.

Oh what can be done, for an old heart like mine,
Soften it up, with oil and wine.
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love,
Please wash me anew, in the wine of Your blood.

You see, Web has a soft heart - a product of God's Spirit and redemption.

And I do want to be like Web. By God's very Spirit, Web has been blessed to redeem his youth, his soft heart, even at his ripe old age. Every time I see Web, I experience a webinar. I keep learning from him. He has captured my deepest respect. I can only hope for a "toninar" someday that demonstrates a person with a young soul - just like Web.

By-the-way, the guy without the hat is another special person - the father of all my grandchildren! (Hey, look, he's enjoying a Webinar!)

A period placed. before the end of a sentence

2007-11-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

Someone once said, "The death of a child is like a period placed before the end of a sentence." I have sat with a number of parents who know what this means. I am also counted among those who mourn over the loss of a precious child.

Scott was born on November 23rd . . . on a Friday . . . just like today. Bonnie went into labor on Thanksgiving day . . . just like yesterday. Today Scott would have turned 28 years old. But the period came too soon. The sentence was assumed to go on. But it stopped shortly after birthday number sixteen.

How does one find redemptive value in the death of a child? My only hope is to be profoundly transformed in my soul; to be shaped by my child's life and death but yet not be totally defined by it. The death of a child is not to be wasted. That would be a double tragedy.

As I remember Scott today, I also remember Mindy, Claire, Oaks, Maci Jane, Anthony, Louie, Alyssa, and Kade. The last fourteen months have been very hard on our community. May God redemptively bless the families of those with periods placed. before the end of their sentence

A Redemptive Laugh

2007-11-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

“We cried like beavers,” the young boy responded when I asked what he and his mother did when they visited his daddy’s grave site. Admittedly, I was perplexed by his answer.

So, I looked to his mother for some help. She explained that as they stood together looking down at her husband’s and his father’s headstone, her son asked, “Why are we crying so much?” She told him, “We are crying because we are bereaved.”

Oh, thank God for the humor and grace only little children can bring to tragic losses. True, sometimes we just have to “cry like beavers” as we face the reality of losing a precious loved one.

Adversarial or Redemptive?

2007-11-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Once in a while, I am asked to mediate a case that is on a Fresno court calendar. The court will actually spin-off a case where they feel mediation is a better option compared to entering the adversarial court option. Normally, these cases come through the Dispute Settlement Center in Fresno.

I was asked to mediate between two families entrenched in conflict. They both had hired attorneys, filed suits/counter suits, and they were ready to go to court. I can’t tell you the details but it started over something very minor in my opinion. None-the-less, the minor became major to the point of their willingness to go to court over it and spend a lot of money on legal advice and representation.

The night of the mediation came, the families came including fathers, mothers and children, and the attorneys came. I asked the attorneys to sit in the back and they complied.

I started with a simple process. First, guidelines on how we are going to talk to each other. Second, asked everyone to be constructive and they agreed. Third, talked about what happened including each person sharing what he/she did to make this conflict escalate. Fourth, talked about what we needed to do to make things as right as possible. Fifth, talked about what we can promise that will help each other have a clearer picture of what the future relationship looks like. In theological terms, what we simply did was confession, atonement, and repentance.

By the end of the evening, the attorneys were utterly amazed at the progress, reconciliation, and forgiveness that took place in their midst. In fact, they suggested the court date be cancelled and . . . they waived their fees!

Could it be what God has modeled and taught us to do really works? Hmmmmm . . .

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." - GK Chesterton

Redemptive Clarity

2007-11-02T14:18:00.001-07:00

“It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way.”
(Proverbs 19:2)

“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

So, what comes to mind? “Jumping to conclusions” “Think before you speak.” “Haste makes waste.” “Shoot first - ask questions later.”

People do not like confusion or tension. Sometimes those feeling cause them to have “zeal without knowledge” – i.e. to have a knee jerk reaction. They simply do not want to be confused or in tension. Therefore, they want to do something about it.

This is a good time to ask a question. Slow it down, stay confused a little longer, and ask a question, such as, “I am confused about ________ and I need some more information. I have a few questions. Would you mind helping me for a moment?”

I remember a family who made a quick decision without having all the facts. Most of the family members came to the same conclusion about one of the other family members. You see, “he” was the problem.

Actually, “he” was not the problem. The problem was not having all the information they needed to make a good decision. They were confused and, sadly, they drew their conclusions based on confusion without asking for clarity. Their confusion grew as they talked about “him” instead of talking to “him.” This led to a preemptive zeal that said “he” was the one to blame.

After five years of alienation, pain, and separation, one member finally asked a question about the confusion and tension most everyone felt by this time. The answer to his question brought a fresh perspective to which he responded with, “Oh, now I understand” - i.e. “he” was not the problem. This was the redemptive ah-ha moment. Yes, the light went on! Why didn’t the family member ask this question five years ago? Five years of broken relationships could have been avoided.

Nevertheless, it is never too late to reconcile. Ask for clarity today. Experience the ah-ha moment. Sometimes, gaining new information means you can make a new decision – a redemptive decision based on clarity . . . and not confusion.

What helped us in our grief.

2007-10-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

(Picture: The last fishing trip - 1995, Tony & Scott Redfern)

The church is truly the church when God’s people practice the one-another teachings listed in the New Testament Scriptures. While all of the “one-anothers” are important to living in a redemptive faith-community, when we choose to bear one-another’s burdens, we have a unique opportunity to minister to people who are experiencing perhaps the worst tragedy they have personally known.

In 1996, our family experienced such a loss. Our son was killed in a bizarre woodshop accident at his high school. Scott’s death changed us forever. Since his death, we have been asked by several people to comment on what helped us during our first year of grief and mourning.

People tend to ask for two reasons. Some people, who are recently bereaved, want to know what helps. Some people, who are trying to help the newly bereaved, want to know how to help

While we cannot speak for everyone who has lost a loved one, the following list speaks to what helped Bonnie and I in our griefwork:

1. People being present to us. Friends and family who just came by the house to be with us.
2. People crying with us without ever saying a word to us.
3. People letting us tell and retell our story of loss. Hearing is believing and it brings reality from the head to the heart.
4. People who said Scott’s name.
5. People telling us “Scott–stories.” “Something I will always remember about Scott was … ”
6. People calling just to check on us.
7. Mourning and knowing the difference from grieving. If we chose to mourn, we chose to heal. (Grieving is on the inside. Mourning is on the outside. Mourning is grief expressed.)
8. Giving ourselves permission to grieve and mourn.
9. Giving each other the space to grieve and mourn.
10. Realizing that we both grieve and mourn differently.
11. People calling just to read us a verse from the Bible.
12. A friend coming over to tell us how he was mad at God over Scott’s death and how God came to him and helped him process his anger.
13. People giving us books.
14. Reading the Bible. (I read the Gospel of John over and over.)
15. Other bereaved parents calling on us.
16. People letting us try to spiritualize everything.
17. People who followed our lead as we taught them about our heartache.
18. People who understood when we declined their invitations.
19. People who let us be alone and private when we wanted.
20. People who extended grace to us when we did not respond to their acts of kindness and concern; knowing that we were overwhelmed.
21. People listening to our theological–babble without criticism or evaluation.
22. Praying real gut-wrenching raw prayers - Everyone needs a safe place to really express how he/she feels.
23. People accepting us in the reality of our grief.
24. People NOT prescribing a time line for us – when to feel happy again, when to take down and remove Scott’s things from the house (every experience is different).
25. People going to the “dark night of the soul” with us.
26. Friends gently rubbing our backs and sobbing with us.
27. Letters and notes. (We appreciated all the cards but it was the personal notes that meant so much to us.)
28. People remembering Scott’s birthday . . . and death day.
29. People writing songs and poems about Scott.
30. People making life–changing redemptive decisions because of Scott’s life and death.
31. Recognition by pastors, civic leaders, and even politicians.
32. Grief Counseling.
33. Working a four–day week. The lethargy of grief is real. Bonnie took every Friday off for the remainder of the school year.
34. Practical help:
a. Meals, meals, meals. Not only provided to our home, but placed on a plate and put in our laps during the first week or so. We would have forgotten to eat.
b. Friends who cleaned our house many times – actually for several months, as we were too exhausted. (After that, we hired a housekeeper.)
c. We were hardly alone during the first few weeks, except from bedtime till breakfast. We slept with the light on some nights because the darkness seemed raw.
d. A neighbor cleaned our pool.
e. A friend washed our cars.
f. Men from the church pruned our trees.
g. A father sent his son to mow our lawn.
h. A friend stopped by on her way to the store to see if we needed anything.
i. A local market donated paper goods (plates, napkins, plastic utensils, cups, etc.) and cold cuts and bread for sandwiches as people dropped by the house.
j. Two ladies planted all the donated live flowers and plants. They literally landscaped our front yard.
k. A friend dried all the flowers for us.
l. A friend took care of all our bookkeeping, dealt with the insurance companies, and filed our tax returns for us. Dealing with all the paperwork was a BIG help.
m. We were given gift certificates for restaurants, hotels on the coast, and massages.
n. People who constructed physical, financial, and living memorials in Scott's name.
o. Those who helped us do the hard things and understand the reality of Scott's death: verifying Scott's body before cremation, receiving his ashes, preparing his ashes, helping us understand the mechanism of his death and his last moments of life.

What did not help:

1. People trying to spiritualize everything. If we wanted to find comfort in where Scott was (heaven), that was one thing. But when the loss, or our response to the loss, was spiritualized for us, it was not helpful.
2. People who tried to make some trite pithy statement to “ease our pain”. “At least you had him for 16 years.” “He is in a better place.” “He was ready, so God took him.” “God needed another flower for his garden.” “You must be so strong or God would not have allowed this.”
3. People who tried to avoid the obvious and act like nothing was wrong.
4. Sometimes doing the familiar was hard – going out to eat where we had been with Scott – and holidays. The hole seems so great in the routines of life.

Growing Trust Again

2007-10-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, two young boys sat in my office each with their concerned parent. The conflict between the boys involved some stolen property which one boy stole from the other boy. While the property had been returned and an apology was offered and received, there was still some tension between the boys. The source of the tension was a lack of a clear view of their future relationship. Could they trust each other? When they saw each other at school or around town, they tried to ignore each other. This, of course, led to more confusion and tension between them. I asked the boys if they wanted to make some promises about how their relationship could be better in the future. One boy, who owned the property that was stolen, readily said that he still wanted to be friends with the other boy. He also said that he missed him and that he had forgiven him. The other boy, who stole the property, said that he missed being with the other boy and wanted him to come over to his house to play. They agreed to call each other with invitations to play. They also agreed to go to camp together. The mediation ended on a good note because of their willingness to make some promises to each other. What can we learn from the boys? Redeeming a relationship requires trust building. Trust building requires making and keeping promises. If there is no trust between individuals either they are not making any promises or they are making promises and not keeping them.

“When agreements are made and kept, trust grows.” – Dr. Ron Claassen

Redemptive Steps – Taking back what is God’s.

2007-09-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

The idea of finding or taking back what was lost is appealing to most. The one looking for lost car keys or credit cards is overjoyed when the lost items are recovered. My friend’s car has been stolen several times. But every time the car is missing from his driveway, the police find it, and call him to reclaim his stolen car. Even though his car has nearly 500,000 miles on it, he is always thrilled with the recovery because the old car has value to him.

One day, as recorded in Matthew 12, Mark 3, and Luke 11, Jesus recovered what was lost. He demonstrated that he came to release individuals from the oppression of darkness. While some observers were amazed or astounded, others were critical saying that Jesus could only do this because he himself was evil. Matthew recorded the logic path of Jesus’ response, “If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand?” Why would Satan want to cast out himself?

Luke recorded the following words of Jesus, “But if I drive out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come to you. When a strong man (Satan), fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are safe. But when someone stronger (Jesus) attacks and overpowers him, he takes away the armor in which the man trusted and divides up the spoils.”

Within the realm of darkness, the forces of evil are strong, but by a flick of God’s finger, redemption happens - a new life begins. Metaphorically, God’s finger is stronger than the whole realm of darkness. Jesus enters the house of Satan, overpowers him, ties him up, takes his defenses, and takes away his power. Jesus does this when he redeems God’s children and takes back what belongs to God – His people.

Simply said, Jesus redeems people and relationships. When Jesus redeems one from the realm of darkness, it is as if he buys a slave for the purpose of setting the slave free. But the concept is deeper than just that. When Jesus redeems, he is buying up for himself God’s children to be free to have a relationship with the Father. We are valuable to God. To Jesus, relationships are worth redeeming.

As a conflict mediator and grief counselor, it is always astounding to see redemptive steps in the mediation and counseling experiences. There is redemptive value even in grief and loss. Relationships with others are worth redeeming. Redemption is central to the life and teaching of Jesus. Redemption is the fulfillment of his message and mission.

“He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: ‘The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.’ Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, ‘Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing’" (Luke 4:16-21). What a wonderful fulfillment He is!

In the months to come, I will share redemptive steps as I see them happening in the midst of conflict, grief, and loss. Stay tuned. Check the “Redemptive Steps” blog at www.newpathcenter.org.