Giving away help is sure hard work!

Homeless young man: "I need some help."

Me: "OK, is today the day to start getting help?"

Homeless young man: "I need some counseling."

Me: "We can do that. Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "I have no money."

Me: "What if finances were not a problem? Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "I don't know."

Me: "What if the counseling, that you want, did not cost you a dime? What if we worked around your schedule? What if we helped you take the first step to wellness? Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "Hmmmmm"

Me: "Do you want to be well? Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "Ok, I'll call . . . tomorrow."

Me: "But not today?"

Homeless young man: "Yeah, I'll call."

I know we cannot ignore the poor, but sometimes the poor ignore us. Even so, we keep inviting. It's no wonder Jesus asked a person in need of healing if he wanted to be well. 

I guess there are those in need of wellness, yet they resist the opportunity to get help. Apparently, the cost of wellness (Self-awareness, time, money, energy, effort, etc.) is something they resist.

Perhaps, the man Jesus encountered realized that if he was well, he would have to work. Staying in bad health for this man had advantages. People responded to his situation with donations. If he was well, no more handouts.

The Redemptive Power of Invitation

Nothing is reconciled until someone invites.

I am confused over two positions I often hear among believers.  People tell me they want to restore broken relationships, but then they add, “Not now.”  Excuses range from: I am not ready, they are not ready, it is not the right time, coming together will only make things worse, conflict will take care of itself, or time heals all wounds.

Here’s another excuse.  I received an email from a pastor who experienced conflict with a few church elders.  The elders eventually left the church.  The pastor invited them to come together to discuss the conflict.  The elders stated they had “prayerfully considered the suggestion for further discussion and collectively agreed that the cause and testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ in the community would be impacted in a negative manner by any more discussion.”  Instead, the ex-elders started another church.  Actually, reconciliation would have had the bigger impact in the community.

Frankly, there is a huge disconnect in what we say we believe and what we do.  This is particularly true in our approach to resolving conflict.  We know what the Scriptures teach: “go” to the other party whether we are the offender or the offended (Matthew 5:23, 24; 18:15-20); reconciliation of relationships is a prerequisite to worship (Matthew 5:23, 24); deal with today’s anger today (Ephesians 4:26); live in peace (Ephesians 4:3); and seek agreement (I Corinthians. 1:10).  We know Jesus is especially with us during the process of reconciling relationships (Matthew 18:20).  We even know that peacemakers in God’s Kingdom are blessed and identified with the Most High God of Peace (Matthew 5:9).  There is no logic to this disconnect between what we know to be true and how we actually live.

Dr. Jerry Sheveland, President of the Baptist General Conference, makes an important point regarding the best time to resolve conflict.  He simply asks, “Why wait for a harder moment than this one to begin a process of honesty and grace . . ?”

Now is the time for reconciliation.  Don’t wait for a more difficult opportunity.  There is no hope of reconciliation until someone invites the other party into a process of restoring the relationship.  Someone has to do the work of invitation.  Why not now?

Stop Lying to Yourself and Start Reconciling with Others.

Ten Guardian-Lies 
or "Why I do not have to reconcile"

Disclaimer:  There are interpersonal conflicts that are sometimes intractable based on criminal felony offenses, years of abuse, deep emotional wounds, and the like.  I am not writing about those types of complicated conflicts.  I am writing about the normal routine conflicts that people bring into New Path Center every week.

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As a result of serving as a mediator over the last 20 years, I've noticed a pattern.  Sometimes, when I invite conflicted clients to enter a reconciliation process, the clients, along with several other clients, give amazingly similar irrational responses.  I hear the following responses over and over again.  Hence, I have learned to recognize these repeating phrases as "guardian-lies."

A guardian-lie is any belief that hinders a person from moving forward.  People are stuck NOT because of any outside force beyond his or her control.  People are stuck due to their own belief and choice.(1)

Here are some of the most common guardian-lies that I hear.  These lies keep people from moving forward to reconciliation.

I choose to remain stuck in conflict because:

1. I know the other party will not want to reconcile.
2. Even if the other party says they want to reconcile, they are not showing enough sincerity, remorse, humility, forgiveness, (and so on).
3. Reconciling will only be a waste of time.
4. We have tried to reconcile in the past but it has never worked, and it won't work this time.
5. Any more contact with the other party will only make it worse.
6. There is nothing we could possibly do to make it better
7. The other party knows what they did wrong, they need to come to me.
8. If I have wronged someone, they have the responsibility to come to me.
9. I'm just going to avoid being around the other person.
10. The other party is "crazy!"

1. Dr. Ed Smith, Theophostice Prayer Ministry, adapted by Tony Redfern

Mean Girls and Forgiveness

Some time ago, New Path Center was assigned a juvenile offender case that involved two girls, Marie and Julia.  The case was a referral from the Kingsburg Police Department. The girls had a history of not getting long including verbal attacks, name calling, and escalation with physical violence.    

Other girls knew that the two girls hated each other.  These girls even encouraged Marie and Julia to fight by starting gossip about them in the hope for seeing more drama.  The "spectators" would actually tell Marie what Julia said about her; and, of course, they would tell Julia what Marie said about her.  Then they would watch the sparks fly!

I held individual meetings with both Marie and Julia. Each girl had a parent present in that meeting.  The individual meetings went well as each girl volunteered to participate in a modified KCJC as one of four ways to address their on-going conflict. 

One of the reasons for the modification was that neither girl wanted their parents involved in the process of reconciliation.  In fact, they really didn't want me involved.  They felt they could resolve their conflict on their own.  (Hooray for Option 4!)  I told them I would not be making any decisions for them.  They would make the decisions that would shape their future relationship.  I’d be there to help them have a constructive conversation.  They agreed to meet together in the NPC office with me as their facilitator, i.e. someone to help make the process easier. 

Frankly, I was concerned about the meeting going badly without parents or community members being present.  I felt the meeting could easily turn into a violent Jerry Springer show.  I even considered having a police officer join the meeting or at least request an officer to be on stand-by.

Even so, I decided not to “big deal” it and stayed with the modified KCJC and proceeded to meet with just the two girls.  We started with some ground rules, then talked about what happened, how to make things as right as possible, and lastly, they made some promises about the future.

This was one of the easiest conflicts I have ever facilitated.  The girls stepped up to the higher task of reconciliation.  They did not personally attack each other but shared out of their own brokenness and owned their part in their conflicted past.  At one point their dialogue become so personal, I offered to step out of the meeting to give them some privacy.  They agreed and I left them alone.  I rarely do this out of concern that things can quickly take a turn for the worse.  But the girls did very well.

At the end of the meeting, I asked the girls if they thought they had just experienced forgiveness.  They both said yes.  I asked them if they could give me a definition of forgiveness.  They both agreed that forgiveness was when they no longer held the wrongs of the past against each other.  (They got it!)

Before Marie and Julia left my office, I asked them if they wanted to meet again in a few weeks to follow-up and hopefully celebrate their new and improved relationship.  Surprisingly, they agreed to meet with me.  In fact, we agreed to meet at Baby Cakes & Ice Cream in Kingsburg.  However, when I called to follow-up, they did not return my call or, if they did take my call, they would tell me how busy they were and could not meet.  Finally, I turned back the case to the police department with a note that said, "After several attempts to make contact with the offenders and having left several messages, I am waiving the follow-up meeting.  (Perhaps, the thought of meeting with an old guy over ice cream was not appealing to two young girls.)"  Hence, I considered the case closed but not really sure if things worked out between the two.  

Several weeks went by, and one day Marie and Julia dropped by my office.  They were together, happy, giggling, and just enjoying each other's company.  They said, "We have come for our ice-cream celebration!"  I dropped everything and we walked to Baby Cakes.  The flavor of two scoops of forgiveness tasted sooooo good.

War and Peace (Defining reality)

Defining reality is the first step of redemptive transformation.  Therefore, I am also convinced, along with my national conference of churches, " . . . that war destroys all Christian values ..."

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War and Peace - Resolution Adopted 1968 by Converge Worldwide (BGC)

We are convinced that war destroys all Christian values, including the destruction of human lives, rights and properties; that the possibility of plunging the human race into unimaginable holocaust of death and destruction through nuclear warfare is ever upon us; that we share in the weakness and sinfulness of the human race, that we express our Christian love toward all mankind, since we believe that God is love and that every person is precious His sight; that ultimate peace comes only through the coming of the Prince of Peace; that any temporal hope for the solution of the problems of human society is through the Gospel of Jesus Christ which offers reconciliation and peace with God and our fellow men.

Therefore we recommend that the members of our Baptist General Conference churches-
1. Confess their sins, asking God’s forgiveness for all past failures that have contributed to misunderstanding and conflict.
2. Increase their support of world missions through which the Gospel of redemption and salvation is proclaimed to all nations.
3. Pray without ceasing for peace and good will throughout the world; for leaders and organizations which seek to bring about cooperative understanding and the alleviation of international discord, racial injustice and world hunger.
4. Support any practical program which attempts to reduce armaments thereby lessening the tensions that lead to war.

Recognize that we are a part of a world-wide fellowship of believers in Christ, that we have spiritual resources that transcend national boundaries and political differences and that link us to the power and Spirit of Almighty God and His Christ.

Source:  http://www.convergeworldwide.org/files/ww/resource/document/2012-07-19-resolutions.pdf

The Greater Love and The Greatest Love

The greater love is to give one's life for a friend. However, the greatest love has to be when one gives their life for their enemy for the purpose of reconciliation. We honor the first notion especially if the friend is at least a good person. But we rarely, if ever, celebrate someone laying down their life for their enemy, i.e. those who have committed offenses, wrongs, or even violence against us. Unthinkable!

What American would lay down their life for Osama bin Laden? Really? Consider the following mandates directed to Christ followers:

• "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

• “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you . . ."

• "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

To die in the place of someone who deserves to die, takes the power of love. To die in the place of someone who deserves to die, even deserves to be killed, and who has treated you with hate and violence, takes the power of an amazing love.

Yes, Jesus died for even Osama, an enemy who we are also told to love. Remarkably, we are even mandated to practice a treasonous love as we do good to those who hate us.

The Easter story is about a treasonous love that offers reconciliation and redemption even to the worst of the worst . . . but then Jesus came to turn the world upside down.

“Eight Ways to Turn Disagreements into Feuds” By Ron Kraybill

1. “Easily the most potent tool for ensuring a life well-scarred by disputes is to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict.”

2. “If perchance you do get in a situation where you are discussing a conflict with the other party involved, be as vague as possible about the issues.”

3. “The third commandment of conflict maintenance is to assume that you know all the facts of the matter and that they (the facts) clearly indicate you are right.”

4. “An effective variation, particularly useful in those situations where a rather unassertive person is upset with you, is to announce that you will talk with anyone who wishes to discuss problems with you – then let it be known that your responsibility ends there.”

5. “Latch onto whatever evidence you can find – count on it, you’ll always be able to find some – showing that the main problem is the other party is jealous of you.”

6. “Judge the motivation of the other party on the basis of one or two mistakes on their part.”

7. “If all these conflict maintaining mechanisms fail and, despite your best efforts, you find yourself engaging in discussion with your opponent, approach resolution as a strictly win/lose situation.”

8. “Your last line of recourse, if somehow a proposal is brought to you that might resolve the dispute, is to respond that you are not in a position to negotiate.”

“There you have it folks. Master these principles in one dispute, and you will find it easier to get involved in others as well. Those interested in avoiding change and growth in personal relationships should find these principles particularly helpful. A few simmering disputes will in time differentiate bland souls with obvious scars. It’ll make them real characters!”

Kingsburg Community Justice Conference

The Kingsburg Community Justice Conference (KCJC) is a community-based program of the Kingsburg Police Department and New Path Center in Kingsburg, California. This program provides an alternative process to address the needs of juvenile offenders and their victims which may not be met by the traditional justice system as we seek to build a healthy community.

At each KCJC, people from the community come together: juvenile offenders, victims, family members, faith leaders, law enforcement, city officials, local business owners and other concerned citizens. Our goal is to dialogue about difficult issues in an atmosphere of respect and concern for everyone involved: how the community was affected, how to repair the harm, and how to create a better future for all those involved.

In essence, KCJC implements a very old idea – we gather as a community to solve problems, and support and connect with one another. We acknowledge that we all need help at times, and in helping others we help ourselves at the same time.

The following is a brief overview of some essentials of the KCJC process:

• Participation is voluntary
• Respect and equality offered to all
• Recognition of shared values
• Willingness to speak truthfully
• Commitment to confidentiality
• Opportunity for everyone to be heard
• Willingness to honor all stories
• Decisions based on consensus
• Dialogue guided by a trained facilitator

In summary, KCJC works to reduce youth violence and increase the connectivity of the community. The Model Programs Guide of the OJJDP states: Teaching conflict resolution and problem solving skills has been shown to be effective in reducing overall aggression and violent behavior. KCJC literally puts this guideline into practice in a real-world classroom approach as we seek to build a healthy community for all of our citizens.