Giving away help is sure hard work!

Homeless young man: "I need some help."

Me: "OK, is today the day to start getting help?"

Homeless young man: "I need some counseling."

Me: "We can do that. Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "I have no money."

Me: "What if finances were not a problem? Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "I don't know."

Me: "What if the counseling, that you want, did not cost you a dime? What if we worked around your schedule? What if we helped you take the first step to wellness? Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "Hmmmmm"

Me: "Do you want to be well? Is today the day?"

Homeless young man: "Ok, I'll call . . . tomorrow."

Me: "But not today?"

Homeless young man: "Yeah, I'll call."

I know we cannot ignore the poor, but sometimes the poor ignore us. Even so, we keep inviting. It's no wonder Jesus asked a person in need of healing if he wanted to be well. 

I guess there are those in need of wellness, yet they resist the opportunity to get help. Apparently, the cost of wellness (Self-awareness, time, money, energy, effort, etc.) is something they resist.

Perhaps, the man Jesus encountered realized that if he was well, he would have to work. Staying in bad health for this man had advantages. People responded to his situation with donations. If he was well, no more handouts.

Kingsburg Community Justice Conference

The Kingsburg Community Justice Conference (KCJC) is a community-based program of the Kingsburg Police Department and New Path Center in Kingsburg, California. This program provides an alternative process to address the needs of juvenile offenders and their victims which may not be met by the traditional justice system as we seek to build a healthy community.

At each KCJC, people from the community come together: juvenile offenders, victims, family members, faith leaders, law enforcement, city officials, local business owners and other concerned citizens. Our goal is to dialogue about difficult issues in an atmosphere of respect and concern for everyone involved: how the community was affected, how to repair the harm, and how to create a better future for all those involved.

In essence, KCJC implements a very old idea – we gather as a community to solve problems, and support and connect with one another. We acknowledge that we all need help at times, and in helping others we help ourselves at the same time.

The following is a brief overview of some essentials of the KCJC process:

• Participation is voluntary
• Respect and equality offered to all
• Recognition of shared values
• Willingness to speak truthfully
• Commitment to confidentiality
• Opportunity for everyone to be heard
• Willingness to honor all stories
• Decisions based on consensus
• Dialogue guided by a trained facilitator

In summary, KCJC works to reduce youth violence and increase the connectivity of the community. The Model Programs Guide of the OJJDP states: Teaching conflict resolution and problem solving skills has been shown to be effective in reducing overall aggression and violent behavior. KCJC literally puts this guideline into practice in a real-world classroom approach as we seek to build a healthy community for all of our citizens.

Redemptive Reality-Check and Divorce

When You Are Thinking of Divorce:

The following is a collection of questions and statements regarding divorce. I offer them as a resource to those who are thinking of divorce. Please consider the depth and impact of your decision. These questions and statements help define a reality-check that may be the basis for redeeming your marriage.

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Excerpts taken from “Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask” by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, May 2008, http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm?nl=159
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The overall question is, “Are you ready for divorce?”

Why is this question important?

“The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime.”

“Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.”

“If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.”

“For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.”

“To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.”

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

2. Were you ever really married?

NOTE: Professionally, I (Tony Redfern) question the validity of this question because it allows people to re-write their marriage history:
“I never loved him/her in the first place.”
“I was forced into the marriage.”
“I loved him/her, but I was not in love.”
“I don't know why I ever married him/her in the first place.”

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

Good question. “People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.”

5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

“Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.”

“Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.”

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

“Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.”

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

“Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the ‘happy family’ dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage.”

“To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.”

“One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives.”

“To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:

If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

“How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.”

“The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows. You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce

For those who follow a Christian faith-tradition, please consider the following.

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Excerpts based on a portion of the chapter entitled, "Church Discipline: God's Tool to Heal and Restore Marriages," written by Ken Sande. This chapter is included in the book Pastoral Leadership for Manhood and Womanhood (edited by Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey, Crossway Publishing, 2003)

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The Myths of Divorce

"Do not be deceived." (e.g., James 1:16, Gal. 6:7).

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

“Popular divorce mythology:”

Myth #1, “When the love has gone out of a marriage, it's better to get divorced.”

However, “The basis of marriage is not feelings of love--in God's design, commitment is the basis of marriage, and love is the fruit.”

Myth #2, “It's better for the children to go through a divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.”

However, divorcing couples “usually have to admit that it's not the children they are looking out for, but their own selfish desires.”

Myth #3, “God led me to this divorce. I repeatedly hear people say, ‘I know the Bible teaches that divorce usually isn't God's will, but in this case God has given me a real peace that this is right.’”

However, a sense of inner peace is not a conclusive sign of God's approval. Do you think Jesus felt inner peace in the Garden of Gethsemane?

Divorce may promise immediate relief, but in the long run, it too is usually contrary to the will of God.

Myth #4, “Surely a loving God would not want someone to stay in such an unhappy situation.”

However, this myth is based on a humanistic presupposition that God's purpose in life revolves around me and my happiness.

It is crucial to help suffering people understand that God has something far more important in mind for His people than pleasant lives. His purpose is to conform us to the likeness of His Son (Rom. 8:28-29).

Myth #5, “I know it's wrong, but God is forgiving.”

However, Deuteronomy 29:19-21 says, "If you presume that you can sin deliberately and then just say magic words and God will forgive you, how great will His wrath be upon you!" (Sande paraphrase)


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Excerpts from BreakPoint. © Prison Fellowship Ministries. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
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Why Christians Divorce

How could a man or woman, committed to both their spouse and their Lord, fall in love with another person?

"It seemed so good, so right. That's when we knew we had to get the divorces. We belonged together."

"It was just so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul."

Each are "invoking a higher law: the feeling of goodness and rightness. A feeling so powerful that it swept away whatever guilt they would otherwise have felt" for what they were doing to their families.

When Christian couples marry, they often say, "till death us do part." But what many unconsciously mean is, "till failing love do us part."

In reality, many people love their spouse, not as a person but as someone who evokes certain feelings. Their wedding vow was not so much to the person as to that feeling. So when such people fall in love with someone else, they transfer that vow to the other person. And why not? - "If vows are nothing but feelings?"

These thrilling emotions are called "The Sanction of Eros." This is an appeal to something higher than judgment, higher even than desires.

But "the sacred approval felt could not possibly have come from God, whose disapproval of divorce is explicit in Scripture. It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."

"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right that all betrayals are justified is simply a lie,"

Couples need to know that it is only when Christ is at the heart of their marriage that they will be able to resist this ancient pagan call.

Relationship Management: A Pledge to a Totally Positive Approach.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

“I will do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they return my goodwill.”

1. I will balance reason with emotion.

Even if they are acting only emotionally or with indifferent reason, I will balance emotions and reason.

2. I will work at understanding.

Even if they misunderstand me, I will try to understand them.

3. I will work at good communication.

Even if they are not listening, I will listen to them and talk to them on matters that affect them.

4. I will be trustworthy.

Even if they are trying to lie to me or deceive me, I will be trustworthy.

5. I will use persuasion rather than bullying or force.

Even if they are trying to bully me or force me, I will be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

6. I will work at acceptance.

Even if they reject me and my concerns as unworthy of their consideration, I will accept them as worthy of my consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

Adapted by Tony Redfern; Prepared by Ron Claassen; Adapted from Getting Together: Building Relationships that Get to Yes, by Roger Fisher and Scott Brown.

Redeeming Apology: Growing Redemptive Community

Restoring the Church, Meta•noia Ministries.

Restoring the Church offers you a collection of resources to . . .
reconcile conflict,
equip leaders, and
grow biblical community in your church for the glory of Jesus Christ.

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/index.html

Excellent articles on apology, brokenness, courage, integrity, and justice:

How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. The first in a series of four articles on authentic confession: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/41HowsayImSorry.pdf

The courage to say, “I was wrong.” Part two of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/42CouragetosayImwrong.pdf

Integrity: considering others as the Other would. Part three of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/43IntegrityConfession_000.pdf.pdf

To act justly. The final of four articles on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/44JusticeConfession_000.pdf.pdf

Redemption and Leadership

Ever consider how to choose a leader to bring back what was lost?

When considering redemptive leaders for a faith-community, I recommend, The Shepherd Leader, a book by Jim Van Yperen. The book is well written and presents a logical, original thesis that has gone under the radar of mainstream students of church leadership. I offer my comments on just one section, Chapter Two, entitled, How to Recognize Who Should Lead. This chapter is a resource I come back to many times as I meet with faith-communities who are trying to discern who should lead. If you read the chapter, it will change the way you think about authority and leadership qualifications in the church.

The logic path of the chapter is simple. Here's how I look at it:
(Calling + Gifting + Appointment) x Character = Spiritual Authority.

Calling is God saying, "Do this" - plain and simple.

Gifting is what God gives an individual to do the call from God.

Appointment is the affirmation of God's calling and gifting to a specific time, purpose, and place. Appointment comes through the church, the faith-community of Christ-followers.

When the above elements come together there is Spiritual Authority.
Spiritual Authority is rooted in God's grace and the empowering of the Holy Spirit. Therefore it requires a responsible and humble response on the part of the leader.

Character holds the whole leadership equation together. If Character is zero because of a lack of spiritual fruit, moral failure, or misconduct, the leader has zero Spiritual Authority. The leader could have the Calling, Gifting, and Appointment but without Character the leader forfeits Spiritual Authority - it all blows apart!

Spiritual Authority, therefore, is the convergence and expansion of everything listed before the equal sign. Spiritual Authority is not based on experience or knowledge, relationships, position, or a constitution. It is God's authority entrusted to a humble and responsible member of the faith-community of believers.

Why a redemptive leader? We need leaders with Spiritual Authority to lead our faith-communities out of bondage into freedom; to equip us to be the keepers and reminders of God's covenant; to balance our brokenness with courage, and integrity with justice; to bring back what was taken; to rob the house of darkness and bring us into the light; and to redeem who we are under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Redeeming Memories and Laughter

Zephaniah 3:17, "The LORD your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love."

It's amazing how one thought leads to another.

This verse was included in a recent list of devotional verses given to me by a good friend. What is remarkable is that this verse was carried by my son, Scott, in his wallet. The verse was on one side of a card, and on the other side was this picture of a laughing and smiling Jesus.

In turn, this reminded me of a time when Scott came home from Immanuel High School excited about seeing a film about the life of Christ that showed Jesus laughing. Scott was relishing in the sight of a Jesus who laughed. "Dad, Jesus was laughing in this film! Isn't that cool?"

Soon, however, my thoughts reflected on the tragic loss of Scott in 1996 and how much the hurt still lingers with me. Once again, I turned my thoughts to thanking God for a Savior who wins victory after victory - even victory over death. Thanking God for rejoicing over Scott. Thinking of how Scott and Jesus are laughing in heaven!

Then I wondered what they would be laughing about? I thought about the time I took a bad fall from my mountain bike. It was very bad. I fell so hard I cracked my helmet. Scott was with me at the time. I remember him racing after me and yelling, "Dad, are you OK?

I looked at him through the dust and dirt still in the air and started laughing. Why? Because something that had the potential of really hurting me, wasn't that serious. In fact, we both started laughing!

I wonder if Scott and I will have that same type of laugh in heaven. Having gone through something so serious as our own death, I wonder if we end up just laughing about it. I wonder if they are laughing about that now.

I remember when Jesus went to the grave of a friend and "He wept." But then, he told his friend to "Come forth!" I love that - and I have to think that Jesus said that with a smile on his face, even through his tears of grief. Yes, I have to think that Jesus and Scott are laughing at death that has no sting, no victory, and is only described as a mere shadow. I can't wait to laugh with them! That will be refreshing!

Counting the gains helps to redeem the loss.

I asked a young widow, "If you could wave a magic wand over any of the past, what would you change?" Her answer was not surprising but it was surprisingly redemptive. She responded, "I would want my husband alive again, but I would not want to lose what I have learned since his death." There is a healing tenet in this short story, "Counting the gains helps to redeem the loss."

A Redemptive Life involves both the King . . . and the Kingdom.

OPTIONS:

Accepting both the King and the Kingdom.

Accepting the King

but rejecting the Kingdom.

Rejecting both the King and the Kingdom.

Rejecting the King

but accepting the Kingdom.

____________

"And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead." - Hebrews 11:4b

I am one of five, four brothers and one sister. Here's a picture of three of the brothers. Yes, I am the little guy sitting on the crossbar of my oldest brother's bike.  Jerry was thoughtful enough to provide me with a blanket to sit on. It was probably my na-na.

None-the-less, I want to talk about Marshall, the brother in the forefront. Marshall is a very important person to me. Marshall led me to my first concepts of God and in a way . . . he led me to Jesus when I was seven years old. That doesn't sound too strange until I tell that Marshall died when I was just under two years of age. He was almost five when he died. Yes, I did say he led me to Jesus when I was seven.

You see, through the years, I visited Marshall's grave many times with my bereaved mother. One time I started asking myself questions about eternity. Where was Marshall? And the bigger question for a seven year old - Where will I be when I die? Talk about coming face to face with death.

I grew up in a house of grief and I seem to understand the verse that says, "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." Was I wise at such a young age? I don't know, but I am thankful for the questions I struggled with at my brother's graveside. Why? Because the redemptive value in my brother's death was the very fact that through my brother my heart was touched in such a way that made me ask the hard questions.  The answers would change my life forever. Was death the end?

Thank God my mother took me to church. One day my Sunday School teacher (Thank God for SS teachers!) told the class of boys about Jesus and eternal life. This was the information that I was looking for - talk about good news. This was the gospel! God's gospel for me! This is what Marshall was showing me. You see, he led me to this point as the destination of all those countless times I visited his grave and stared down at his grave marker with so many deep questions. Marshall, though he was dead, spoke to my heart and led me to my Savior and Lord.

Is there redemptive value in the death of a child? I have to say yes. God works with us in all situations to bring good - even in a situation like Marshall's.

Oh, my dear brother, I had to say goodbye before I even said hello! Marshall, how sweet the reunion will be!

Nouwen, Edison, and John the Baptist (JTB)

Henri J.M. Nouwen in this book, The Wounded Healer, offers insights on a life well spent even in light of brokenness. I took liberty to adapt some of his thoughts into this blog. I have to keep asking the larger faith community to image what we could do together as we not only bear one another's burdens but also the brokenness of our community.



But before I offer Nouwen's thoughts, let me also write about what Thomas Edison said. One of my favorite Edison quotes is,

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves."



As Christ followers, I wonder why we feel so incapable of addressing the brokenness around us? You see, in Christ, we are extremely capable and we should be astounded! I love how JTB introduced Jesus - "the one more powerful than I." Jesus is the one more powerful that I and yet Jesus, the Living Christ by his Spirit, is in me making me more powerful than I could ever imagine! But power for what purpose?

Now Nouwen. What if our life purpose was to recognize the brokenness and oppression of our time, in our own heart, and make that heart-felt recognition the starting point of our work and ministry? Realistically, our work will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the brokenness and oppression about which we speak. Therefore, we will have to make our own wounds available as a source of healing. For one person needs another to live. Therefore the deeper we are willing to enter into the painful condition which we and others know, the more likely it is that we can be leaders, leading people out of the desert into the promised land.

Let us say to others, “I will not let you go. I am going to be here tomorrow waiting for you. I expect you not to disappoint me for we will travel together. We are not alone. We are not unloved.”

Thankfully, we are redeemed to be redemptive.

The Christmas Redemptive Love Story

The essence of the Christmas redemptive love story is not difficult to find. These are the words of Christ speaking of himself. "For God so loved the world that he gave . . ." You see, love initiates. Love takes action. God gave his son, a babe born in Bethlehem who 33 years later died on a Cross, "his one and only Son." Why? "that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Love redeems what was lost . . . our life-lost to our life-eternal.

However, a redemptive love involves sacrifice - and Jesus takes us to a higher level of sacrificial giving for the sake of a redemptive love. Jesus taught, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Certainly, at the cross Jesus practiced what he preached. But he also taught us to love our enemies. Would we lay down our life for an enemy? Amazingly, Jesus died for his enemies and not just his friends. Sounds treasonous, doesn't it? Talk about aiding the enemy! But that is exactly what he did.

In fact, Jesus went against the popular thought of his time. "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies . . ." Christmas, when God invaded our world, and the Cross, when love was demonstrated, prove that God loves his enemies.

And guess what? We are his enemies! "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. [That's us along with the worst the world holds in contempt!]

[Now check this out.] Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. [Yes, it could happen. But now look . . .] But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!

For if, [here it is . . .] when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

[But wait, there is more . . .] Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

The greatest redemptive love story ever told was when someone died for his enemy. What a rare story that is . . . but Jesus did exactly that on the cross. The greatest love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his enemies. Merry Christmas!

Redemptive Steps – Taking back what is God’s.

The idea of finding or taking back what was lost is appealing to most. The one looking for lost car keys or credit cards is overjoyed when the lost items are recovered. My friend’s car has been stolen several times. But every time the car is missing from his driveway, the police find it, and call him to reclaim his stolen car. Even though his car has nearly 500,000 miles on it, he is always thrilled with the recovery because the old car has value to him.

One day, as recorded in Matthew 12, Mark 3, and Luke 11, Jesus recovered what was lost. He demonstrated that he came to release individuals from the oppression of darkness. While some observers were amazed or astounded, others were critical saying that Jesus could only do this because he himself was evil. Matthew recorded the logic path of Jesus’ response, “If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand?” Why would Satan want to cast out himself?

Luke recorded the following words of Jesus, “But if I drive out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come to you. When a strong man (Satan), fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are safe. But when someone stronger (Jesus) attacks and overpowers him, he takes away the armor in which the man trusted and divides up the spoils.”

Within the realm of darkness, the forces of evil are strong, but by a flick of God’s finger, redemption happens - a new life begins. Metaphorically, God’s finger is stronger than the whole realm of darkness. Jesus enters the house of Satan, overpowers him, ties him up, takes his defenses, and takes away his power. Jesus does this when he redeems God’s children and takes back what belongs to God – His people.

Simply said, Jesus redeems people and relationships. When Jesus redeems one from the realm of darkness, it is as if he buys a slave for the purpose of setting the slave free. But the concept is deeper than just that. When Jesus redeems, he is buying up for himself God’s children to be free to have a relationship with the Father. We are valuable to God. To Jesus, relationships are worth redeeming.

As a conflict mediator and grief counselor, it is always astounding to see redemptive steps in the mediation and counseling experiences. There is redemptive value even in grief and loss. Relationships with others are worth redeeming. Redemption is central to the life and teaching of Jesus. Redemption is the fulfillment of his message and mission.

“He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: ‘The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.’ Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, ‘Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing’" (Luke 4:16-21). What a wonderful fulfillment He is!

In the months to come, I will share redemptive steps as I see them happening in the midst of conflict, grief, and loss. Stay tuned. Check the “Redemptive Steps” blog at www.newpathcenter.org.