We got issues!

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What exactly are we fighting about? Our ability to clearly state what the issues are will help us to determine a redemptive outcome. Broadcasting a generalized judgment or labeling can bring more confusion, tension, and escalation to the conflict.

If we can determine the kind(s) of conflict we have entered, we will have a better chance to realistically resolve the conflict.

Dr. Ron Claassen brings the following insights to help us define our conflicts.

Ron writes, "As we move down the list, it will likely be more difficult to resolve the conflict constructively. It is not impossible, but will require more planning and perhaps outside help."

Space

Schedule

Methods

Procedures

Personal Preferences

Traditions

Customs

Values

Beliefs

What are we fighting about? Determining the level of conflict on the above continuum will help us to determine a strategy to find resolution.
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When we talk, are we using a hammer or a saw?

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Debate v. Dialogue is like a sledge hammer v. a logging saw.

In a debate, one person uses debate like a sledge hammer against the other person. Then the other person reacts and does the same thing.

In a dialogue, they use dialogue like a two-person logging saw that takes cooperation to work.

Here's a quick contrast between Debate and Dialogue:

The goal is to "win" the argument by affirming one's own views and discrediting other views. v. The goal is to understand different perspectives and learn about other views.

People listen to others to find flaws in their auguments. v. People listen to others to understand how their experiences shape their beliefs.

People critique the experiences of others as distorted and invalid. v. People accept the experiences of others as real and valid.

People appear to be determined not to change their own views on the issue. v. People appear to be somewhat open to expanding their understanding of the issue.

People speak based on assumptions made about others' positions and motivations. v. People speak primarily from their own understanding and experience.

People oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong. v. People work together toward common understanding.

Strong emotions like anger are often used to intimidate the other side. v. Strong emotions like anger and sadness are appropriate when they convey the intensity of an experience or belief.

Excerpt taken from The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects, A Practical, Hands-On Guide, by Lisa Schirch & David Campt., Page 9.