Redeeming a Past of Dirty Laundry

Eric, a name I give all of my former juvenile offenders, wrote the following essay in his Junior College English 1A class. He wrote about coming to a point of reconciliation with his people - his ethnic group. He came to accept and redeem who he was and to whom he belonged. Eric moves us from resentment to love, from brokenness to wholeness, from shame to strength, from little to abundance. Here is Eric in his own words, used with his permission - his essay, "All I Have."

A few weeks ago, I went on a mission trip to Tijuana, Mexico. I stayed with a pastor named Robert and his family for five days. It was difficult being next to Pastor Robert 24/7. We had to wake up every morning by four in order to be at the church by five so we could have a time of prayer, bible study, and fellowship before the workday started. We visited families throughout the day to pray for them, rehearse dramas, and watch over the men that stayed in the men’s home.

I do not know why I had a desire to go to Tijuana. I did not know Pastor Robert or his family very well. I didn’t think there was anything for me to see, learn, or even care about in Tijuana. It seemed as if I had a calling to go. The opportunity to go down there without paying a penny came and I took it, thinking I was in for a free ride. Little did I know it was going to be a life changing ride.

Even though I am Mexican myself, I used to have a lot of resentment towards Mexicans because I had so many bad examples in my life. I thank God for my mother, even though she kept the “Mexican tradition” and had me when she was fifteen years old. I knew it was not normal for me to talk to my father through a glass window. I also knew it was bad when I was four years old and raped by a Mexican farm worker. I didn’t fully understand what it all meant at the time and I am still trying to make sense of everything till this day.

The troubles I went through and the things I saw when I was growing up sparked a flame of shame within me. That flame is what influenced me to be ashamed of my name, to look down on my people, and to forget where I came from. There were many times I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. My mother always tried her best to encourage me to press forward, be strong, and not look back. That was something difficult for me to do when I looked in the mirror every morning. It was harder going to sleep at night with the nightmares.

When I was in Tijuana, we visited a mother of five and a grandmother of many. Her house was very small; it had concrete floors and walls, only one room, and her bed was in the same room as the kitchen. There was no air conditioning besides the windows to open when it got too hot or blankets she had when it got too cold. You can hear the rain fall on the tin roof and pray to God the chair didn’t break when you sat on it. I knew she did not have much even for herself.

She was cooking when Pastor Robert and I got there. My mouth became very watery when the smell of chicken tamales and barbacoa hit my nose. She offered me a plate of her freshly cooked food.

“What do you have to drink?”

“Coca-Cola, agua, or horchata.” She replied.

I figured since I was in Mexico I’d take the horchata.

“Do you have any napkins?” I asked.

She looked around and reached into a clean basket of clothing, tore up a shirt, and handed it to me.

“This is all I have,” she said with a comforting smile on her face.

She didn’t even know my name, she didn’t know if she would ever see me again, and she was still willing to give me what she had even if it was the shirt off her back. I never knew so much love could come from something so little, I never knew so much love could come from my own people. Now I understand what “Mi casa, su casa,” means. Now I know and embrace where I am from.

I am reminded of a song written by Keith Green, Your Love Broke Through. Here are some of the lyrics:

All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part,
And with one touch, you just rolled away the stone that held my heart,
And now I see that the answer was as easy, as just asking you in,
And I am so sure I could never doubt your gentle touch again,
It's like the power of the wind.
Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed,
until your love broke through,
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me,
Until your love, until your love, broke through.

Thank you God for breaking through Eric's brokenness with the power of your love! You took him from his dirty laundry to a basket of abundant love.

You have four ways to do this . . .

and only four . . . . . .

1. Escalation
2. Arbitration
3. Mediation
4. Invitation


So, you have a conflict.

What are you going to do? The good news is that you have four options. Dr. Ron Claassen, professor at Fresno Pacific University, offers an explicit illustration of these four options. I have taken some liberty to adapt his model as illustrated above.

I use this as a decision tool in most mediation settings. I ask, "Which one do you want to do? I can probably help you with two of them."

Every conflict has four response options:

Escalation: One party can simply overpower the other party. One party will make the decision. Examples: The party with power (indicated by being inside the circle) uses power to get their way. This party could be a policeman, a soldier, a criminal with a gun, or the bully on the playground, or even the party with the majority vote. This party could be a person who rescues another person even against their will. (If my granddaughter was playing in a street and a truck was coming toward her, I would use my power as an adult to physically remove her from the street even at the risk of her not understanding, hating me, protesting, or even fighting me as I try to help her.) This party could also be someone who chooses to use their power to leave another party, group or organization; or to withhold financial support, such as, child support or even church tithes. This party could also be the one to withhold emotional involvement or love, including avoiding or being evasive, giving the cold shoulder or quiet treatment.

However, on a de-escalation note, this party could also be the one to tolerate or even overlook an offense (Proverbs 12:16, 16:32, and 19:11. ) with the intent to never bring it up, in essence, to love, to extend grace, to forgive, and to never hold the offense against the other party. Hmmm, the power to love, accept, forgive, honor, respect . . .

Arbitration: When parties cannot agree, an outside party can be empowered to bring resolution and to make the final decision. Hence, the "X" is in the circle. Examples: X is the party with the power to resolve the conflict. This party may be a judge, jury, or arbitrator. X could be any authority figure with the positional power to make decisions, direct and lead others. Such as: a teacher, a store manager, a coach, a counselor, or advisor. X could be an outside authority that is not necessarily a person. Such as, the dictionary when playing the game of Scrabble - the dictionary decides the correct way to spell a word. X could be the traffic signal - the signal decides who will stop and who will go. X could be a coin as in head-or-tails - the coin decides who is right or who is wrong, or who will receive and who will kick the football. X could be who or what you go to for advice or direction when you are stuck, such as, a trusted friend, "The Golden Rule," God in prayer, or the Holy Bible.

Mediation: When parties cannot agree, an outside party can serve as a mediator to help all the participants (stake holders) to be empowered to experience resolution and to make a joint/mutual decision in a collaborative way. (Note: everyone is in the circle except the mediator, i.e. "X"!) Examples: facilitator, a discussion leader, listener, counselor, “go-between,” observer, peacemaker, negotiator, interventionist, or a parent.

Invitation: All parties are constructive and naturally invite and receive each other into a process of reconciliation without outside help. Examples: One party taking the initiative to invite another party into a time of discussion about a disagreement or offense. And in response the party being invited accepts the invitation. If the issue is an offense, the party doing the invitation can be the author or receiver of the offense. The invitation has a sense of urgency about it. Resolution is sought quickly and timely. The invitation is based on love, care, or value placed on the other parties or at the very least a willingness to be constructive.

You can be sure you will use one if not all of these options when responding to your conflict.

Which ones are the most redemptive? Actually, they could all be used in a redemptive way if your intent is to be respectful, reasonable, and restorative. Escalation can bring redemptive value. Certainly, Jesus taught a process of escalation when teaching about how to minister to an offender. But the process was always to bring that person to a point of listening and ultimately redemption and change. Jesus taught us to "go" - to make invitation our first choice whether we are the author of the offense (Matthew 5:23-24) or the receiver of the offense as seen in Matthew 18:15-20. Jesus taught us to escalate if the other party was not listening.

Even so, the escalation that Jesus taught was mild compared to how we escalate. I am always cautious about giving any type of approval to escalation, simply, because it is our nature to go there first as a powerful option/weapon. I am reminded of a time when I taught on Matthew 18 and the mandate to go to the other party and to invite them into a process of reconciliation. From my "teaching," an individual thought it appropriate to go and tell-off the other party - immediately after church! Yes, he did escalate the conflict but not for redemptive purposes.

There is so much more that could be said about these options. If you have a question or comment, please send me an email at tony@newpathcenter.org.

(c) Copyrighted 2008, Tony Redfern, All Rights Reserved Worldwide

VORP: A Story of Redemption

Eric had big career plans but his involvement in a crime undermined his chances of obtaining his goal and a brighter future. He was now faced with a criminal record. It seemed like a minor act of retaliation “because a friend asked.” But a few minutes of "drive-by-paintball" vandalism resulted in a felony with long-term consequences. Eric’s future was unclear and certainly bleak.

I am always moved by the stories I experience while doing mediation work with the community & faith-based Victim Offender Reconciliation Program (VORP). I have been a volunteer VORP mediator since 1992. Serving as a VORP mediator has been both worthwhile and inspirational. It is some of the most important work that I could do for my community as I see the redemptive message of Jesus Christ come to life.

While I have had the privilege of helping a number of juvenile offenders, Eric (not his real name) comes to mind most certainly as a person with a story of redemption due in part because of VORP. Eric’s story consists of many events that contributed to his transformation journey. However, I am pleased to share that a VORP mediation was one of those events that helped him on his journey of character development.

The Fresno County Probation Department referred Eric’s case to VORP. VORP assigned the case to me. I met with Eric to explain how VORP could help with his situation. I told him that if he wanted to cooperate with the VORP program, he would be given an opportunity to make things as right as possible with his victims.

While I could not guarantee that a judge would be any easier on him because of VORP, I did tell Eric that if he cooperated and worked on a constructive resolution to his offense, the VORP program might be beneficial for him at his court time. He would still have to pay his fines, do his community service, finish his classes, and do all the justice system required of him. I could not change any of that for him. I could only offer a program that might help him, his victims, and his community to heal from the offense.

Right from the start, Eric was a willing participant in the VORP mediation process. He arrived on time and constructively added to the success of the mediation as we met with his victims. He also quickly fulfilled his VORP agreement with his victims. In fact, Eric went above and beyond what was expected of him in making things as right as possible. He did practical jobs for the victims, expressed apology, regret, embarrassment, self-assessment, and remorse in addition to being the author of a generous restitution amount. He also paid the restitution in full and sooner than agreed.

The victims’ willingness to participate in this redemptive story is another wonderful feature of Eric’s journey. The victims gained not just payment for damages done, but they also gained an opportunity to become agents of change. Eric was impressed with their “big hearts” toward him, their kindness, and their openness to include him in their community once again. He said their words were healing, but what made the difference was their redeeming actions toward him. I can’t go into detail on their exact actions, but it was a huge step toward healing.

The day before his scheduled court appointment, Eric asked if I would write a letter to the judge outlining all that he had completed with the VORP program. I gladly wrote the letter. Eric said as he stood before the judge all he held in his hands was his VORP letter. He gave the letter to the bailiff, the bailiff gave the letter to the judge, the judge read the letter, and the judge looked down over his glasses at Eric. “Have you learned your lesson,” the judge asked. “Yes,” Eric replied. “Charges dismissed,” said the judge.

Dismissed? What did this mean? It meant that Eric would not have this felony on his record. In essence the judge had forgiven him and, thus, no longer held the offense against him. Eric’s future all of a sudden became clear and bright.

Today, Eric is not only enjoying a brighter future but he is also growing in his faith, attending both church and a young-adult Bible study, planning on going on a mission trip, and learning to choose better friends.

This is Eric’s redemptive story which continues to this day toward a brighter future.

Bonnie, Bodie, BJ, Babe, Mrs. Redfern, My Crown: We broke the cycle!

If I spent the rest of my life looking for someone of more gracious character than you, I would be looking over the greatest treasure that exists, right now, in my own household.

You see, what I have right now is complete and full - for you bring good into all of my life – with all of your life.

Your selfless practical giving is hugely evident. You are an enthusiastic hard worker, bountifully resourceful, committed, and generous.

You are not only industrious but you are also money-wise; taking great responsibility with what God has entrusted to us. You possess both integrity and justice. You wisely plan ahead to head off trouble for the household. And yet, your eyes and ears are ever directed to the poor, needy, and oppressed.

When troubles come, you have already prepared us to meet the challenge by providing comfort, care, and provision.

Because of who you are, I am well respected in our community. I am proud to be known as, “Mrs. Redfern’s husband!”

You are clothed with strength and dignity which gives you a great perspective on life and an ability to meet any adversity.

Your wisdom and advice are sought after and esteemed.

Your passion is to take good care of your family.

Yes, we all rise and call you blessed. I honor you with much love. I stand and say, “Wow! What a woman, what a wife – my wife!”

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

Bonnie, you are my crown! It is such a pleasure to honor you this day and every day! Thank you for a great love story!

All my love, Tony

PS: Some might be asking, "What cycle?" In my previous blog I mentioned that I am one of five siblings. With one brother, I share my mother; with another brother and a sister, I share my father; and with Marshall, I share my mother and my father. Bonnie and I have experienced redemption! We broke the cycle!