Maybe if we knew each other . . .

Sometime ago, a young teen, I will call Eric, broke into an old truck parked beside the truck owner’s home. Eric pried the lock of the passenger door and managed to open it. His intent was to steal the stereo. However, someone saw him and called the city police. As the police came into Eric’s sight, he tried to run from them. But the police caught him.

Eric was placed on probation and the case was turned over to me to serve as a VORP mediator. I facilitated a victim-offender mediation between Eric, his father and the owners of the truck, an older couple.

I’ll call the couple, Frank and Marge. Marge’s elderly father also lived in the home. Frank worked full-time and Marge was self-employed on a part-time basis.

The mediation went well until Eric tried to minimize the damages to the truck. “It was only a seven dollar lock,” he said. Taking that moment, I decided to account for all the damages. I questioned Frank and Marge about how Eric’s offense affected them in terms of hard dollars (out-of-pocket expenses and losses) and soft dollars (other non-direct costs and losses):

“It may have been a $7.00 lock but there was body damage also. We had to take the truck to a body shop and it cost us $250 to have the lock replaced and the body damage repaired,” Marge explained.

Marge also said, “When I had to go to the courthouse to file paperwork, I had to cancel all my appointments. I lost a $100 of income.”

Marge continued, “Plus, I could not leave my 95 year old father alone when I went to the courthouse, so I had to hire a caregiver at $100 for the day.”

Frank added, “With all the police and insurance paperwork, body shop estimates, and running around, I had to take a vacation day time just to handle all the details.” ($250 cost)

Marge said, “We have had other things happen around here; things taken or broken. We began to think that we were singled-out in the neighborhood. We don’t feel safe.”

Frank and Marge went on to tell about all the work, stress, fear, and hassles they had to endure. Soon, the $7.00 lock turned into nearly a thousand dollars. I looked at the seventeen year old and he started to cry. “I had no idea,” Eric said.

Once we talked about the offense and all the hurt that Eric caused, I moved the mediation to a discussion about how to make things as right as possible. Eric was quick to apologize but he did not have the money to pay for all the damages.

This is the point in a mediation where typically restitution and grace start to come together. This is where an amazing expression of grace took place in this mediation.

Frank and Marge offered for Eric to work-off the damages. They asked Eric if he could come over to their house and do yard work, minor repairs, and wash their cars.

Amazing, the victims invited their offender into their private space and to be around their things. This situation started because Eric violated their private space and tried to steal their things!

Eric humbly accepted their offer. We then moved to the last part of the mediation. We talked about the future and how it would look for Eric, Eric’s father, Frank and Marge. Eric promised that this would never happen again and that he had learned his lesson.

Frank and Marge were pleased with Eric’s promises. But then Frank offered something that is rarely offered to an offender; another amazing expression of grace. “Eric, why don’t you and your folks come over to our place for a barbeque? Maybe if we knew each other, these things wouldn’t happen.”

Amazing.

Got Conflict? Got Salt? Got Peace?

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness,
how can you make it salty again?
Have salt in yourselves,
and be at peace with each other." - Jesus

It is interesting that salt and peace are linked in this teaching. Salt is a mineral that is useful as it not only preserves food but it also enhances the flavor of food. Looking at the salt metaphor and relating it to constructive relationships, Dr. Tim Geddert writes, “This saying is a call to be genuine, the real thing, the kind of disciple that preserves and enhances the community.”

The twelfth chapter of Paul’s letter to the Roman followers of Jesus is one of those classic passages of scripture that speaks into our everyday relational lives. The teachings that strike me the most in this passage are Paul’s reflections of life in a redemptive faith community. While he writes about how to live with each other and the connectedness of community, he also places a responsibility on each and every member of the community when he writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” We may see in this verse a loop-hole and declare,

“It is not possible! Peace is not possible because the other person is evil, won’t cooperate, and only wants to argue and win. They are out to control me and to destroy me!”

But notice the possibility of peace does not hinge on the other person; it depends on you and me and our willingness to be at peace with one another.

So, what needs to happen when the other parties just won’t cooperate? Are there resources available? How do you know you are doing everything possible to live at peace with this other person?

Besides my work as a mediator addressing interpersonal conflict and facilitating reconciliation for two or more people, I am increasingly called on to work with just one person and to help them constructively deal with the conflict they are experiencing. This is called Conflict Coaching (CC). CC is a process in which the individual and I communicate one-on-one for the purpose of

• developing the individual’s understanding of the conflict;
• determining what they can constructively do about it;
• and empowering them with effective relational skills.

CC is available when the other parties won’t engage in a mediation or reject a personal invitation to come together to talk through hurts and/or disagreements.

CC is available for those who want to be the kind of "salty" person that preserves and enhances the possibility of peace, i.e. “salt” for a positive change in a broken relationship.

We got issues!

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What exactly are we fighting about? Our ability to clearly state what the issues are will help us to determine a redemptive outcome. Broadcasting a generalized judgment or labeling can bring more confusion, tension, and escalation to the conflict.

If we can determine the kind(s) of conflict we have entered, we will have a better chance to realistically resolve the conflict.

Dr. Ron Claassen brings the following insights to help us define our conflicts.

Ron writes, "As we move down the list, it will likely be more difficult to resolve the conflict constructively. It is not impossible, but will require more planning and perhaps outside help."

Space

Schedule

Methods

Procedures

Personal Preferences

Traditions

Customs

Values

Beliefs

What are we fighting about? Determining the level of conflict on the above continuum will help us to determine a strategy to find resolution.
.

When we talk, are we using a hammer or a saw?

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Debate v. Dialogue is like a sledge hammer v. a logging saw.

In a debate, one person uses debate like a sledge hammer against the other person. Then the other person reacts and does the same thing.

In a dialogue, they use dialogue like a two-person logging saw that takes cooperation to work.

Here's a quick contrast between Debate and Dialogue:

The goal is to "win" the argument by affirming one's own views and discrediting other views. v. The goal is to understand different perspectives and learn about other views.

People listen to others to find flaws in their auguments. v. People listen to others to understand how their experiences shape their beliefs.

People critique the experiences of others as distorted and invalid. v. People accept the experiences of others as real and valid.

People appear to be determined not to change their own views on the issue. v. People appear to be somewhat open to expanding their understanding of the issue.

People speak based on assumptions made about others' positions and motivations. v. People speak primarily from their own understanding and experience.

People oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong. v. People work together toward common understanding.

Strong emotions like anger are often used to intimidate the other side. v. Strong emotions like anger and sadness are appropriate when they convey the intensity of an experience or belief.

Excerpt taken from The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects, A Practical, Hands-On Guide, by Lisa Schirch & David Campt., Page 9.

New Path Center’s Guide to Giving & 2009 Annual Report

Is your contribution to New Path Center tax-deductible?

New Path Center has been recognized exempt by the IRS
under section 501(c) (3) of the Internal Revenue Code since December 2004.

Donors’ contributions are tax deductible as provided in section 170 of the IRS Code. A copy of New Path Center’s IRS Letter of Determination is available upon request.

New Path Center is required to file annually an IRS 990 Form.

New Path Center’s current IRS 990 can be found at http://www.guidestar.org/ or upon request.

Two ways to donate:

1. Make your check payable to New Path Center, Inc., and mail it to:

New Path Center, Inc.
PO Box 874
Kingsburg, California 93631-0874

2. Donate online at http://www.newpathcenter.org/


Do you resonate with the New Path Center’s mission and values?

New Path Center’s mission is to be:

A safe place where individuals and communities discover reasonable, respectful, restorative, and redemptive pathways through conflict.

A place of hope for those who experience loss or other painful life transitions.

A training center for leaders and organizations to acquire a healthy readiness for conflict or the skills to companion the bereaved.


New Path Center envisions:

Communities where the citizens become responsible for positive transformation.

Communities where constructive communication thrives.

Communities that produce leaders with impeccable character.

Communities where all leaders address conflict and brokenness in reasonable, respectful, restorative, and redemptive ways.

Communities where the greater Faith Community works together.


Why does New Path Center exist?

As a community pastoral-counseling resource . . .

New Path Center brings the hope of experiencing peace with loss to those who are deeply bereaved.

As a training center . . .

New Path Center equips individuals, leaders, and organizations
to have a healthy readiness for and response to conflict.

As a mediation center . . .

New Path Center provides options for alternative dispute resolution (ADR) for those who experience some form of conflict. Mediation areas of practice include:

Marital Mediation: Couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

Separated and divorced parents: Individuals and couples who need pre/post-adjudication mediation regarding custody decisions to best meet the needs of their children.

Extended families: Members who have suffered from years of estrangement and separation, and now hope to restore the family ties.

Churches: As cornerstones of our community, churches need to respond to conflict in ways that bring hope, love, and peace to reality, to meet the needs of their members.

Family businesses and farms: The economic forces behind our community, who need to bridge relational gaps caused by conflict, to increase their potential to thrive from generation to generation.

Victims of crime and juvenile offenders: Individuals directed by the courts to reconcile offenses and make restitution, including VORP Mediation and Anger management classes for youth at risk.

Where does New Path Center work?

New Path Center works locally, nationally, and internationally.

Serves as a local mediation, training and counseling center for the greater Kingsburg area for Fresno, Kings and Tulare Counties, in central California.

Travels to other areas within California, and the U.S. to provide mediation, training, and interventions for non-profit organizations.

Provides training in third-world countries on conflict resolution, leadership development, and grief counseling.


To whom is New Path Center responsible?

New Path Center’s Board of Directors is made up of professionals from the Kingsburg community. The list of Directors is available upon request.


How does New Path Center measure its progress and success?

76 Cases in 2009: (63 new / 13 continued)

How is New Path Center funded?























Accomplishments and Initiatives:

Kingsburg Police Department Referral Program
Kingsburg School Referral Program
Discipline That Restores Training Program
Mediation for CalGRIP youth at risk
Anger Management Classes
Kingsburg Care & Service Network
Donation-based services
Professional Mediator Certification

Special Designated Funds:

Scott W. Redfern Memorial Fund: $8,750 (ongoing)
Kiln for Koln Scott W. Redfern 30th Birthday Memorial Project: $2,016 (completed)

Goals and challenges for 2010:

Fund future training overseas
Increase the General Fund
Develop software for Kingsburg Care & Service Network
Design and implement a 10-year leadership succession plan
Promote New Path Center’s uniqueness in Marital Mediation, Alternative Dispute Resolution, and Anger Management

Constructive Confrontation

Constructive Confrontation (CC) is used to bring people face-to-face with reality and to say a difficult statement in a redemptive way.

• CC helps bring consistency between what a person says and what a person does.

• CC promotes open and direct communication.

• CC helps initiate action plans and behavior changes.

• CC is not lecturing, judging, or acting in some punitive manner.

• CC should not contain an accusation, evaluation, or problem solution.

CC requires self-exploration/preparation on the part of the one who is constructively confronting:

• How do you describe the messages from the other party (i.e. the party who you want to confront)?

• What observations do you have about the other party’s behavior?

• What evidence do you have that supports the messages and behavior?

CC statements often follow this pattern: “you said/but look”
• “You said . . .” repeats a message of the other party.
• “But look . . .” presents the contradiction or discrepancy.

For example:

“I hear you say you want life to be better, yet you have given reasons why you feel life will never be better.”

“You say you want to get back together, but you keep seeing someone else.”

“You say you want to go to college after high school, but you are not doing your homework.

“You say you don’t feel appreciated for what you do, yet you don’t let anyone know this is how you feel.”

“You say you want to get well, but you are not getting help.”

Finish off the statement with, “I’m confused by this, help me understand.” Or “I seem to be lost by what I hear and what I observe, can tell me more about what is happening.” (Of course, do this without sarcasm and be sure to watch your non-verbals.)

Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Counseling Skills Fundamentals, 2001, Center for Loss and Life Transitions

Redemptive Reality-Check and Divorce

When You Are Thinking of Divorce:

The following is a collection of questions and statements regarding divorce. I offer them as a resource to those who are thinking of divorce. Please consider the depth and impact of your decision. These questions and statements help define a reality-check that may be the basis for redeeming your marriage.

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Excerpts taken from “Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask” by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, May 2008, http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm?nl=159
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The overall question is, “Are you ready for divorce?”

Why is this question important?

“The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime.”

“Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.”

“If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.”

“For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.”

“To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.”

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

2. Were you ever really married?

NOTE: Professionally, I (Tony Redfern) question the validity of this question because it allows people to re-write their marriage history:
“I never loved him/her in the first place.”
“I was forced into the marriage.”
“I loved him/her, but I was not in love.”
“I don't know why I ever married him/her in the first place.”

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

Good question. “People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.”

5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

“Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.”

“Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.”

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

“Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.”

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

“Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the ‘happy family’ dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage.”

“To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.”

“One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives.”

“To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:

If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

“How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.”

“The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows. You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce

For those who follow a Christian faith-tradition, please consider the following.

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Excerpts based on a portion of the chapter entitled, "Church Discipline: God's Tool to Heal and Restore Marriages," written by Ken Sande. This chapter is included in the book Pastoral Leadership for Manhood and Womanhood (edited by Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey, Crossway Publishing, 2003)

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The Myths of Divorce

"Do not be deceived." (e.g., James 1:16, Gal. 6:7).

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

“Popular divorce mythology:”

Myth #1, “When the love has gone out of a marriage, it's better to get divorced.”

However, “The basis of marriage is not feelings of love--in God's design, commitment is the basis of marriage, and love is the fruit.”

Myth #2, “It's better for the children to go through a divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.”

However, divorcing couples “usually have to admit that it's not the children they are looking out for, but their own selfish desires.”

Myth #3, “God led me to this divorce. I repeatedly hear people say, ‘I know the Bible teaches that divorce usually isn't God's will, but in this case God has given me a real peace that this is right.’”

However, a sense of inner peace is not a conclusive sign of God's approval. Do you think Jesus felt inner peace in the Garden of Gethsemane?

Divorce may promise immediate relief, but in the long run, it too is usually contrary to the will of God.

Myth #4, “Surely a loving God would not want someone to stay in such an unhappy situation.”

However, this myth is based on a humanistic presupposition that God's purpose in life revolves around me and my happiness.

It is crucial to help suffering people understand that God has something far more important in mind for His people than pleasant lives. His purpose is to conform us to the likeness of His Son (Rom. 8:28-29).

Myth #5, “I know it's wrong, but God is forgiving.”

However, Deuteronomy 29:19-21 says, "If you presume that you can sin deliberately and then just say magic words and God will forgive you, how great will His wrath be upon you!" (Sande paraphrase)


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Excerpts from BreakPoint. © Prison Fellowship Ministries. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
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Why Christians Divorce

How could a man or woman, committed to both their spouse and their Lord, fall in love with another person?

"It seemed so good, so right. That's when we knew we had to get the divorces. We belonged together."

"It was just so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul."

Each are "invoking a higher law: the feeling of goodness and rightness. A feeling so powerful that it swept away whatever guilt they would otherwise have felt" for what they were doing to their families.

When Christian couples marry, they often say, "till death us do part." But what many unconsciously mean is, "till failing love do us part."

In reality, many people love their spouse, not as a person but as someone who evokes certain feelings. Their wedding vow was not so much to the person as to that feeling. So when such people fall in love with someone else, they transfer that vow to the other person. And why not? - "If vows are nothing but feelings?"

These thrilling emotions are called "The Sanction of Eros." This is an appeal to something higher than judgment, higher even than desires.

But "the sacred approval felt could not possibly have come from God, whose disapproval of divorce is explicit in Scripture. It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."

"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right that all betrayals are justified is simply a lie,"

Couples need to know that it is only when Christ is at the heart of their marriage that they will be able to resist this ancient pagan call.