Relationship Management: A Pledge to a Totally Positive Approach.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

“I will do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they return my goodwill.”

1. I will balance reason with emotion.

Even if they are acting only emotionally or with indifferent reason, I will balance emotions and reason.

2. I will work at understanding.

Even if they misunderstand me, I will try to understand them.

3. I will work at good communication.

Even if they are not listening, I will listen to them and talk to them on matters that affect them.

4. I will be trustworthy.

Even if they are trying to lie to me or deceive me, I will be trustworthy.

5. I will use persuasion rather than bullying or force.

Even if they are trying to bully me or force me, I will be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

6. I will work at acceptance.

Even if they reject me and my concerns as unworthy of their consideration, I will accept them as worthy of my consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

Adapted by Tony Redfern; Prepared by Ron Claassen; Adapted from Getting Together: Building Relationships that Get to Yes, by Roger Fisher and Scott Brown.

Breaking the ties that keep binding us in conflict . . .

“Eight Ways to Turn Disagreements into Feuds” By Ron Kraybill



1. “Easily the most potent tool for ensuring a life well-scarred by disputes is to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict.”

2. “If perchance you do get in a situation where you are discussing a conflict with the other party involved, be as vague as possible about the issues.”

3. “The third commandment of conflict maintenance is to assume that you know all the facts of the matter and that they (the facts) clearly indicate you are right.”

4. “An effective variation, particularly useful in those situations where a rather unassertive person is upset with you, is to announce that you will talk with anyone who wishes to discuss problems with you – then let it be known that your responsibility ends there.”

5. “Latch onto whatever evidence you can find – count on it, you’ll always be able to find some – showing that the main problem is the other party is jealous of you.”

6. “Judge the motivation of the other party on the basis of one or two mistakes on their part.”

7. “If all these conflict maintaining mechanisms fail and, despite your best efforts, you find yourself engaging in discussion with your opponent, approach resolution as a strictly win/lose situation.”

8. “Your last line of recourse, if somehow a proposal is brought to you that might resolve the dispute, is to respond that you are not in a position to negotiate.”

“There you have it folks. Master these principles in one dispute, and you will find it easier to get involved in others as well. Those interested in avoiding change and growth in personal relationships should find these principles particularly helpful. A few simmering disputes will in time differentiate bland souls with obvious scars. It’ll make them real characters!”

How to have a redemptive conversation

Relationship skills and emotional intelligence keep hitting the "must know" list for success. Also, our communities are defined as healthy based on how constructively we can dialogue with each other.

Could it be that our success and the health of our communities, families, marriages, and relationships boil down to how we talk with each other?

Here are the basic communication skills that give the greatest relationship return: Click here

Redeeming Apology: Growing Redemptive Community

Restoring the Church, Meta•noia Ministries.

Restoring the Church offers you a collection of resources to . . .
reconcile conflict,
equip leaders, and
grow biblical community in your church for the glory of Jesus Christ.

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/index.html

Excellent articles on apology, brokenness, courage, integrity, and justice:

How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. The first in a series of four articles on authentic confession: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/41HowsayImSorry.pdf

The courage to say, “I was wrong.” Part two of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/42CouragetosayImwrong.pdf

Integrity: considering others as the Other would. Part three of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/43IntegrityConfession_000.pdf.pdf

To act justly. The final of four articles on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it: http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/44JusticeConfession_000.pdf.pdf

[Restorative] Street Justice

During the high school lunch break, a freshman decided to kick the backside of the Kingsburg First Baptist's marquee.

Long story short, he was caught, in the act, by the police. The police called the church office and our Youth Minister, Chris Miller walked down to the scene of the crime. A KPD officer called me on my cell and I stopped by the scene. (I mediate with juvenile offenders and their victims in the Kingsburg area.)

There in front of us was a clueless young man standing on the curb with two uniformed officers asking him questions as they jotted down notes. One of the officers asked me if I had any questions for the young man. I just asked the classic victim question, "Why?" To which he answered with the classic offender response, "I don't know." With a little more coaxing, he sheepishly said he had the idea that maybe he could create some new words on the sign by kicking it with his foot and knocking letters off the sign. [Maybe this was a new way to cite "footnotes." :-) Sorry.]

One of the officers implied that the church could press trespassing charges if we wanted. He also said that maybe the youth could do something to right the wrong - like replace the letters on the sign. We talked for a moment and it was mutually agreed that the young man would return after school and fix the sign. Chris Miller told the young man to come to the church office.

That afternoon, the "offender" came to the office just as he promised. Chris and the young man walked down to the sign, replaced the letters, and talked about what happened.

Pastor Chris pointed out the obvious. We are a product of our decisions, think before acting, and everyone has made poor decisions. But he also reminded the youth that he deserved a second chance and that he was not totally defined by this immature act.

The young man broke a law, but he also broke a relationship that needed mending. As a church, we are always looking for ways to give away the church to the community. Faithful church members serve the high-school students lunch. Our basketball court is available to the public - true, we have had to set some boundaries, but it is available. Students use our picnic tables and even the church's front steps as a place to eat lunch. All in all, there is an invitation to students from the church to use church property and all we ask for is respect. This agreement really is an unspoken "social contract" based on trust.

So, this freshman broke a trusting relationship with the church. Graciously, instead of punishing the child, the police and the church decided to give him an opportunity to make it right. This was an act of grace - a step of restorative "street justice" that placed a higher value on restoring the relationship than the law being broken.

This is a modest example of living in redemptive community.

Redemption is Messy

"Bring us the drug-addicted, bring us the prostitutes, bring us the destitute, bring us the gang leaders, bring us those with AIDS,

bring us the people

nobody else wants,

whom only you can heal,

and let us love them in your name

until they are whole."

http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2009/spring/messycostlydirtyministry.html?start=1

Raising Trees and Children

"Fathers, do not exasperate [provoke/arouse to wrath] your children; instead, bring them up [nurture] in the training and instruction of the Lord." Eph.6:4

Parenting is nurturing. It is about a steady loving hand that guides and supports.

Sometime ago, I found a lesson about raising children revealed in the process of planting a few young trees in my yard. Needing to properly plant the young trees, I purchased a package of Cinch-Ties; handy rubber straps used to connect a small tree to a large stake next to the tree.

I was intrigued with the advertising on the package of Cinch-Ties. First of all the description of the product: "Cinch-Tie - Strong Support for Young Trees." Strong support . . . I like that notion.

I read on. The "philosophy" under the description read: "Young trees need support, not restraint, in order to grow large trucks and wide canopies. Some wind movement is needed to stimulate caliper and strong root growth. This is why it is important that the tight nursery tape and restraining stick be removed when the tree is ready to plant."

I understand that most metaphors break down in some regard, but the Cinch-Tie left me wondering. Is there a balance in support and restraint in raising children into young adults who eventually gain the capacity to stand on their own? When we find the weak-point in a child how does support look vs. restraint? While support relates well to nurturing, restraint does not necessarily relate to exasperation.

What happens when there was little or no support in the early years and one then tries to straighten the tree when is is nearly full grown? Talk about restraint!

What happens when there is extreme restraint and the tree has no experience of standing on its own? Cinch-tie says it won't be strong without the needed root-maturity due to "some wind movement." The difference between support and restraint seems to be the amount of flexibility needed to keep the young tree growing straight and yet, firmly rooted.

Well, just a few thoughts on exasperation, nurturing, restraint and support in parenting.