“Eight Ways to Turn Disagreements into Feuds” By Ron Kraybill

1. “Easily the most potent tool for ensuring a life well-scarred by disputes is to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict.”

2. “If perchance you do get in a situation where you are discussing a conflict with the other party involved, be as vague as possible about the issues.”

3. “The third commandment of conflict maintenance is to assume that you know all the facts of the matter and that they (the facts) clearly indicate you are right.”

4. “An effective variation, particularly useful in those situations where a rather unassertive person is upset with you, is to announce that you will talk with anyone who wishes to discuss problems with you – then let it be known that your responsibility ends there.”

5. “Latch onto whatever evidence you can find – count on it, you’ll always be able to find some – showing that the main problem is the other party is jealous of you.”

6. “Judge the motivation of the other party on the basis of one or two mistakes on their part.”

7. “If all these conflict maintaining mechanisms fail and, despite your best efforts, you find yourself engaging in discussion with your opponent, approach resolution as a strictly win/lose situation.”

8. “Your last line of recourse, if somehow a proposal is brought to you that might resolve the dispute, is to respond that you are not in a position to negotiate.”

“There you have it folks. Master these principles in one dispute, and you will find it easier to get involved in others as well. Those interested in avoiding change and growth in personal relationships should find these principles particularly helpful. A few simmering disputes will in time differentiate bland souls with obvious scars. It’ll make them real characters!”

Kingsburg Community Justice Conference

The Kingsburg Community Justice Conference (KCJC) is a community-based program of the Kingsburg Police Department and New Path Center in Kingsburg, California. This program provides an alternative process to address the needs of juvenile offenders and their victims which may not be met by the traditional justice system as we seek to build a healthy community.

At each KCJC, people from the community come together: juvenile offenders, victims, family members, faith leaders, law enforcement, city officials, local business owners and other concerned citizens. Our goal is to dialogue about difficult issues in an atmosphere of respect and concern for everyone involved: how the community was affected, how to repair the harm, and how to create a better future for all those involved.

In essence, KCJC implements a very old idea – we gather as a community to solve problems, and support and connect with one another. We acknowledge that we all need help at times, and in helping others we help ourselves at the same time.

The following is a brief overview of some essentials of the KCJC process:

• Participation is voluntary
• Respect and equality offered to all
• Recognition of shared values
• Willingness to speak truthfully
• Commitment to confidentiality
• Opportunity for everyone to be heard
• Willingness to honor all stories
• Decisions based on consensus
• Dialogue guided by a trained facilitator

In summary, KCJC works to reduce youth violence and increase the connectivity of the community. The Model Programs Guide of the OJJDP states: Teaching conflict resolution and problem solving skills has been shown to be effective in reducing overall aggression and violent behavior. KCJC literally puts this guideline into practice in a real-world classroom approach as we seek to build a healthy community for all of our citizens.

What’s in a Word?

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands,

that goes to his head.

If you talk to him in his language,

that goes to his heart."

- Nelson Mandela

(Warning: Coarse language included. Sorry, but I run with a rough crowd.)

I am learning something. Words do not always communicate. I feel I am constantly learning a new language (even foul if need be) as I try to communicate with people.

I have noticed several of the juvenile offenders, who are referred to New Path Center through Fresno County Probation, Kingsburg Police, or the Victim Offender Reconciliation Program, do not understand the meaning of the word “conflict.” So, when I use the terms “Conflict Management,” “Conflict Style,” or ask them to describe a “conflict” they have experienced, they do not have a clue what I am talking about.

I am listening and, hopefully, learning.


Definitions of "con·flict" from those I serve:


Punking: Manipulation, deceit.

Issue: A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one

Combat: A prolonged armed struggle

Argument: An incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests

Beef: A condition in which a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs

F***ed Up: Be incompatible or at variance

Drama: Having or showing confused and mutually inconsistent feelings

Gang War: A clash or disagreement, often violent, between two opposing groups or individuals; An incompatibility, as of two things that cannot be simultaneously fulfilled; To be at odds (with); to disagree or be incompatible; To overlap (with), as in a turf-war

Smack, dogging, talking s**t: Striking, or dashing together; fighting; contending; struggling to resist and overcome; Being in opposition; contrary; contradictory

Bitch: Limitations, complexities, or complications that result in a disagreement between the parties involved as to how the remediation is to be performed

Problem: Someone wants something and people and things keep getting in the way of them achieving the goal

Harassment: A situation in which opposing viewpoints have come into physical confrontation. Conflicts are more intractable than simple disputes because of the existence of institutionalized, fundamental disagreement with limited malleability of participants or the situation

Jacked-up: the clash of actions, emotions, objectives, or philosophies that inhibit or divert the agonists, either protagonist or antagonist; including innerpersonal, intrapersonal, interpersonal, extrapersonal, antisocial, cross-cultural, extrasocial, and mystical

Coarse as some of these words are, my goal is to speak to hearts; to experience communication where the words don't get in the way.