When You Are Thinking of Divorce:
The following is a collection of questions and statements regarding divorce. I offer them as a resource to those who are thinking of divorce. Please consider the depth and impact of your decision. These questions and statements help define a reality-check that may be the basis for redeeming your marriage.
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Excerpts taken from “Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask” by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, May 2008, http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm?nl=159
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The overall question is, “Are you ready for divorce?”
Why is this question important?
“The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime.”
“Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.”
“If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.”
“For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.”
“To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.”
1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?
2. Were you ever really married?
NOTE: Professionally, I (Tony Redfern) question the validity of this question because it allows people to re-write their marriage history:
“I never loved him/her in the first place.”
“I was forced into the marriage.”
“I loved him/her, but I was not in love.”
“I don't know why I ever married him/her in the first place.”
3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?
4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
Good question. “People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.”
5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?
“Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.”
“Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.”
6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?
“Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.”
7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
“Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the ‘happy family’ dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage.”
“To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.”
“One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives.”
“To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:
If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?
“How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.”
“The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows. You can make Agreements that:
Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce
The following is a collection of questions and statements regarding divorce. I offer them as a resource to those who are thinking of divorce. Please consider the depth and impact of your decision. These questions and statements help define a reality-check that may be the basis for redeeming your marriage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts taken from “Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask” by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, May 2008, http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm?nl=159
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The overall question is, “Are you ready for divorce?”
Why is this question important?
“The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime.”
“Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.”
“If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.”
“For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.”
“To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.”
1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?
2. Were you ever really married?
NOTE: Professionally, I (Tony Redfern) question the validity of this question because it allows people to re-write their marriage history:
“I never loved him/her in the first place.”
“I was forced into the marriage.”
“I loved him/her, but I was not in love.”
“I don't know why I ever married him/her in the first place.”
3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?
4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
Good question. “People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.”
5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?
“Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.”
“Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.”
6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?
“Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.”
7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
“Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the ‘happy family’ dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage.”
“To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.”
“One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives.”
“To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:
If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce.
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?
“How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.”
“The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows. You can make Agreements that:
Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce
For those who follow a Christian faith-tradition, please consider the following.
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Excerpts based on a portion of the chapter entitled, "Church Discipline: God's Tool to Heal and Restore Marriages," written by Ken Sande. This chapter is included in the book Pastoral Leadership for Manhood and Womanhood (edited by Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey, Crossway Publishing, 2003)
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The Myths of Divorce
"Do not be deceived." (e.g., James 1:16, Gal. 6:7).
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
“Popular divorce mythology:”
Myth #1, “When the love has gone out of a marriage, it's better to get divorced.”
However, “The basis of marriage is not feelings of love--in God's design, commitment is the basis of marriage, and love is the fruit.”
Myth #2, “It's better for the children to go through a divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.”
However, divorcing couples “usually have to admit that it's not the children they are looking out for, but their own selfish desires.”
Myth #3, “God led me to this divorce. I repeatedly hear people say, ‘I know the Bible teaches that divorce usually isn't God's will, but in this case God has given me a real peace that this is right.’”
However, a sense of inner peace is not a conclusive sign of God's approval. Do you think Jesus felt inner peace in the Garden of Gethsemane?
Divorce may promise immediate relief, but in the long run, it too is usually contrary to the will of God.
Myth #4, “Surely a loving God would not want someone to stay in such an unhappy situation.”
However, this myth is based on a humanistic presupposition that God's purpose in life revolves around me and my happiness.
The Myths of Divorce
"Do not be deceived." (e.g., James 1:16, Gal. 6:7).
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
“Popular divorce mythology:”
Myth #1, “When the love has gone out of a marriage, it's better to get divorced.”
However, “The basis of marriage is not feelings of love--in God's design, commitment is the basis of marriage, and love is the fruit.”
Myth #2, “It's better for the children to go through a divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.”
However, divorcing couples “usually have to admit that it's not the children they are looking out for, but their own selfish desires.”
Myth #3, “God led me to this divorce. I repeatedly hear people say, ‘I know the Bible teaches that divorce usually isn't God's will, but in this case God has given me a real peace that this is right.’”
However, a sense of inner peace is not a conclusive sign of God's approval. Do you think Jesus felt inner peace in the Garden of Gethsemane?
Divorce may promise immediate relief, but in the long run, it too is usually contrary to the will of God.
Myth #4, “Surely a loving God would not want someone to stay in such an unhappy situation.”
However, this myth is based on a humanistic presupposition that God's purpose in life revolves around me and my happiness.
It is crucial to help suffering people understand that God has something far more important in mind for His people than pleasant lives. His purpose is to conform us to the likeness of His Son (Rom. 8:28-29).
Myth #5, “I know it's wrong, but God is forgiving.”
However, Deuteronomy 29:19-21 says, "If you presume that you can sin deliberately and then just say magic words and God will forgive you, how great will His wrath be upon you!" (Sande paraphrase)
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Excerpts from BreakPoint. © Prison Fellowship Ministries. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.
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Why Christians Divorce
How could a man or woman, committed to both their spouse and their Lord, fall in love with another person?
"It seemed so good, so right. That's when we knew we had to get the divorces. We belonged together."
"It was just so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul."
Each are "invoking a higher law: the feeling of goodness and rightness. A feeling so powerful that it swept away whatever guilt they would otherwise have felt" for what they were doing to their families.
When Christian couples marry, they often say, "till death us do part." But what many unconsciously mean is, "till failing love do us part."
In reality, many people love their spouse, not as a person but as someone who evokes certain feelings. Their wedding vow was not so much to the person as to that feeling. So when such people fall in love with someone else, they transfer that vow to the other person. And why not? - "If vows are nothing but feelings?"
These thrilling emotions are called "The Sanction of Eros." This is an appeal to something higher than judgment, higher even than desires.
But "the sacred approval felt could not possibly have come from God, whose disapproval of divorce is explicit in Scripture. It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."
"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right that all betrayals are justified is simply a lie,"
Couples need to know that it is only when Christ is at the heart of their marriage that they will be able to resist this ancient pagan call.
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Why Christians Divorce
How could a man or woman, committed to both their spouse and their Lord, fall in love with another person?
"It seemed so good, so right. That's when we knew we had to get the divorces. We belonged together."
"It was just so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul."
Each are "invoking a higher law: the feeling of goodness and rightness. A feeling so powerful that it swept away whatever guilt they would otherwise have felt" for what they were doing to their families.
When Christian couples marry, they often say, "till death us do part." But what many unconsciously mean is, "till failing love do us part."
In reality, many people love their spouse, not as a person but as someone who evokes certain feelings. Their wedding vow was not so much to the person as to that feeling. So when such people fall in love with someone else, they transfer that vow to the other person. And why not? - "If vows are nothing but feelings?"
These thrilling emotions are called "The Sanction of Eros." This is an appeal to something higher than judgment, higher even than desires.
But "the sacred approval felt could not possibly have come from God, whose disapproval of divorce is explicit in Scripture. It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."
"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right that all betrayals are justified is simply a lie,"
Couples need to know that it is only when Christ is at the heart of their marriage that they will be able to resist this ancient pagan call.
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